numb

I am out of outlets. i am tired of journaling - trying to be cautious of Facebook posts. So, here we go - angry rants out to who knows who.

I feel numb. I feel used. I feel like I have been lied to. I feel like I have been betrayed. I feel like everything in the world that I used to hold as true is hollow. I feel hollow - like the person I think I am is no longer who I am.
I have no one to be angry with except myself. Well, I have a right to be angry with him. My father - no. not my father. My daddy - the one who is supposed to be my knight in shining honor - a Gollum, a coward, who doesn't have the courage or respect to be honest with me. Kind of like someone else in my life. But I deserved the latter, it is about me. The former isn't. The former is about a series of tragedies that I was sucked into - like the pirate ship into the whirlpool. The latter is like Jack Sparrow into the Krakon's mouth. I should have asked, I should have known, I am so naive sometimes in spite of my best efforts to the contrary. Ironic. Yesterday, my happy place, the one person who had given me what I needed today is the one who I feel most betrayed by, sickened by.
The book was supposed to be cathartic, but I am so angry - it just annoys me.

I am not myself. My music does not soothe me - Brandi and Ani fail me now - I'm not in that deep spirit, deep mellow depression. I am ready for action, i am frustrated and angry and annoyed - I need movement, I need to not be me anymore. I need to be that person who I always thought I was now. Leave my bullshit behind. Leave my childish desires and fantasies behind. They were the movie - this is the reality. A harder colder lonelier less romantic reality. Thankfully. I can't stand the romantic, yellow light, warm fuzziness, encompassing as the warmth of blankets darkness, sadness anymore. Give me cold clean powerful anger - let it flow through me like raw power - like wizards fire and let it consume everyone in my path who can't withstand it.
i always regret it. I always hurt people when I'm like this. That makes me madder - why can't they stand it? why can't they love me anyway? because they are human... just like me. Because they are weak, just like me. Because they aren't made of steel - they are made of softer silver and gold.
I'm sorry.
I have no one to blame but me, the one person I can never manage to forgive.
She was trying to convince me to be transparent. I was on this honesty kick for a while - wizards fire. Then I realized that people can't withstand transparency and wizard's fire. It causes them to see themselves - it isn't grace. It doesn't love in spite of faults - it reveals truth.
Conditional honesty. She says that is arrogant. No, it is acknowledging that when someone loves you, you have a duty not to hurt them needlessly.
Confession is supposed to make you feel clean. Confession has led to discomfort, and opened the door to unmentionables, it has created a community, but created peer pressure.
I am what I am - my life is not my own - my humanity and god's divinity have created in me a walking contradiction.
I'm sorry. Thanks for your advice, but you don't understand.
Each of you has a piece of me. Your advice is based on the piece you know and love. But there are other pieces which weigh against me. Maybe someday I will choose a single path and follow it to the exclusion of these other paths, to the exclusion of some of you. Maybe God will let you exclude me, so I don't have to suffer the guilt.
Or, he will teach me to forgive myself. I have a funny feeling he's going to make me do it the hard way.
Alas, 2 am, still nothing done. But I have expressed myself - funny, before last week I couldn't write... .didn't have anything to say. Now I am saying lots of things, without speaking anything worthwhile.
No, it won't ever be over. Learn to cope, to deal, to live with this. Get it out of your head the best you can, then move on.

What did the dear cousin put on my wall today? "In three words, i can sum up everything I have learned in life: It Goes On."

God is good, Beer is great, People are crazy.
Fear God and Keep his commandments for this is the end of man.
Do Justice, Love Mercy, Walk humbly with thy god.
Be Strong and of good courage, for I am the Lord Thy God who brought you out of Egypt.
Love the Lord thy God with thy heart, soul, and mind and love thy neighbor as thyself.
Paul and Silas praised God around midnight and their prison was broken.
Dear God, This sucks, it's my fault - I'm sorry, Help Me. thank you.

Here god, this is what I want and I'm going there unless you tell me otherwise. Guide my steps.
Dear God, Thank you for another day. May your will be done. In Jesus name, Amen.