So, I just realized recently that I could have taken said dream job with said dream boss (incidentally I'm house sittin for and can't stop thinking about what the funeral is going to be about - I have issues) and retaken the FING bar exam in July. ??? Why didnt' I do that??? Best of both worlds, hello? I assume God kept that little tid bit idea out of my little brain for a reason...I like my job. The office is always a good time as my boss and his wife have immensely inappropriate sense of humor. For example, he keeps asking me to draw up my dad's contempt orders and I keep telling him no. This makes his wife giggle and him apologize. Then he does it again. Alas, the life I lead.
I wanted to write this blog to protest the Elmo version of "i'm sexy and I know it"
The part that bugs me the most is "I walk into the room and Drawer and Mr. Noodle are staring at me."
OK. Drawer -- whatever, it's elmo.
Mr. Noodle? OMG, it's a middle-aged man with bad style and a really bad comb-over. Elmo's like a kid, right? and there's a middle-aged man staring through a porthole of some sort in his wall when he walks into the room? not to mention Mr. NOODLE? Euphemism anyone?
I got to admit, the thing made me laugh really hard. "I make art!" But, Mr. Noodle watching when little kid-like Elmo walks into the room set off my pedophile alarm bells. No kids, it is not ok for Mr. Noodle to watch you. EVER! or touch you or make you do things that your little kid conscience rebels against.
So, sorry if this just took a fun song and ruined it for you. Welcome to my little world - lawyers joking about me taking a swan dive off the fine line tightrope I'm walking and little furry creatures talking about Mr. Noodle watching them. No wonder I have crazy dreams....
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Sunday, October 30, 2011
WTF God?
I've been struggling the last few days. I made a decision to stay at home and work part time for an attorney and study to re-take the bar. Not take the job that would be fun and exciting and live on my own in the city. I've been asking God what He's doing? I had this vision for my future. Clerkship, counsel for the Legislature, some kind of respected rad job. My future has recently taken on a totally different cast. Working at a desk hidden in an office, living a mediocre life in a small town. So, I've been depressed. Today in church, I was on my knees and I realized (or God told me) that I'm here for a reason. I've always felt that strongly. God puts us all where we are supposed to be, but I feel like in my case it's more obvious. This isn't a mistake. I continually pray that God will use me to glorify and accomplish his will. So, here I am, back in the small town, with friends saying they're glad I'm not leaving again. I guess it's time that I try to figure out why I'm here instead of where I thought I would be. What am I supposed to be doing while I'm here? That is the question.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Chapters
I'm often musing about new beginnings, but really how many new beginnings does one get? So, maybe it's more like chapters...stations in a buffet line.... stations in an assembly line?
When I received my birth certificate in the mail, I freaked out. I’m not sure what I thought it held, but I freaked out. As a result, Andi, the chaplain took it and put it in her desk. This was right before finals…. In the year before this moment, my only girlfriend had broke it off with me, my brother had moved home after his long term girl kicked him out, my parents weren’t speaking and I had taken the LSAT and had one semester left in college. She thought it was bad timing. So, it sat in her desk drawer all through Christmas break and then through Jan term, as she was in south Africa. So, it was early in second semester – first part of February…. I opened the envelope, Andi sitting across from me, annoyed, I’m sure. I immediately wept. Neither of us really understood why. I think, now, that it was the anticipation, the severe disappointment that it was real, I was adopted…. Bitter painful tears.
So, I feel right now how I felt before opening that letter. Amazing how opening a letter can change the tide of your life. Opening that letter led to that picture that I received about a month ago. What a miraculous journey from the Spring of 2006 to the Fall of 2011. 5 years and a lifetime of emotions and all these beautiful souls I didn't know before.
So, here I prepare to open another letter. It’s really not that big of a deal, but it means the completion of 4 years of the hardest shit I’ve endured…. Stress, temptation, anxiety, sorrow, disappointment, etc. All for this letter. And it will say I passed and can get licensed and start a new (?) life. Or it will say that I didn’t pass either part. Most likely, I passed the substantive and didn’t pass the PR. Which means I have some studying to do and life gets to be on held even longer, but not really. Nothing in life is clean cut. It’s all dragged out emotion and jagged edges.
So, now it comes down to waiting for the mail and refreshing my browser. Cheers.
When I received my birth certificate in the mail, I freaked out. I’m not sure what I thought it held, but I freaked out. As a result, Andi, the chaplain took it and put it in her desk. This was right before finals…. In the year before this moment, my only girlfriend had broke it off with me, my brother had moved home after his long term girl kicked him out, my parents weren’t speaking and I had taken the LSAT and had one semester left in college. She thought it was bad timing. So, it sat in her desk drawer all through Christmas break and then through Jan term, as she was in south Africa. So, it was early in second semester – first part of February…. I opened the envelope, Andi sitting across from me, annoyed, I’m sure. I immediately wept. Neither of us really understood why. I think, now, that it was the anticipation, the severe disappointment that it was real, I was adopted…. Bitter painful tears.
So, I feel right now how I felt before opening that letter. Amazing how opening a letter can change the tide of your life. Opening that letter led to that picture that I received about a month ago. What a miraculous journey from the Spring of 2006 to the Fall of 2011. 5 years and a lifetime of emotions and all these beautiful souls I didn't know before.
So, here I prepare to open another letter. It’s really not that big of a deal, but it means the completion of 4 years of the hardest shit I’ve endured…. Stress, temptation, anxiety, sorrow, disappointment, etc. All for this letter. And it will say I passed and can get licensed and start a new (?) life. Or it will say that I didn’t pass either part. Most likely, I passed the substantive and didn’t pass the PR. Which means I have some studying to do and life gets to be on held even longer, but not really. Nothing in life is clean cut. It’s all dragged out emotion and jagged edges.
So, now it comes down to waiting for the mail and refreshing my browser. Cheers.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Intentionality
I just had a thought.... Should we judge others people's actions by their intentions? or by how those actions affect us and others? I do my best to judge by intentions. But, then again, isn't that rather presuppositional? I presume that I know your intentions so that I don't feel as bad about the shitty thing you just did to me? That does not make sense. So, do I judge your actions by how I feel rejected and injured? But, if that's not what you intended, that isn't fair either.... Thoughts?
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Spring?
1/23/11
I thought it was 01 for a second... trippy
I don’t have time right now, but I wanted to write a little. I fell asleep on the futon again.... woke up about 5:30 – went to bed. Never really went back to sleep. Been thinking for the last two hours. Thinking about how I feel ready to kick ass these days – maybe I’m in the manic phase of my not quite manic depression. Ever since last weekend, I’m ready to take on the world – I don’t know maybe I’m pissed off, angry, frustrated – but I don’t feel like that. I just feel motivated and ready.
I’ve been thinking about life since college. The ebbs and flows. I mostly remember the good times, knowing full well that a lot of it has been overly stressful and not great. The good times have been great though. And the bad times- Thanks to the grace of God and really good friends – I’ve coped. It’s those recovery periods. The last 7 months of my life... I don’t know how to do that very well – you can’t schedule it, you can’t control it, you can’t decide when it’s over.... It just hits, like hitting mud when you were on a highway.
It feels like spring this morning. As it got light, I heard ducks/geese, then I started hearing other birds and this cool breeze hit my face. But it’s no longer cool with the threat of cold – it’s cool in expectation of the sun.
Pride and Joy – I want to send my dad the lyrics to that song. It explains everything. I just don’t think he’d get it.
This is an upswing – this last month has had some new lows, but I think we’re on the upswing. My brother hit the tipping point and is now actively recovering. My mom.... I think the good days are balancing the bad days. And I’m on my way out of college life... on to new things, or a new period of old things- today feels like a new beginning.... not for any real reason.... maybe it’s the air... the feel of spring.... restless, motivated, ready to get shit done!
Cheers!
I thought it was 01 for a second... trippy
I don’t have time right now, but I wanted to write a little. I fell asleep on the futon again.... woke up about 5:30 – went to bed. Never really went back to sleep. Been thinking for the last two hours. Thinking about how I feel ready to kick ass these days – maybe I’m in the manic phase of my not quite manic depression. Ever since last weekend, I’m ready to take on the world – I don’t know maybe I’m pissed off, angry, frustrated – but I don’t feel like that. I just feel motivated and ready.
I’ve been thinking about life since college. The ebbs and flows. I mostly remember the good times, knowing full well that a lot of it has been overly stressful and not great. The good times have been great though. And the bad times- Thanks to the grace of God and really good friends – I’ve coped. It’s those recovery periods. The last 7 months of my life... I don’t know how to do that very well – you can’t schedule it, you can’t control it, you can’t decide when it’s over.... It just hits, like hitting mud when you were on a highway.
It feels like spring this morning. As it got light, I heard ducks/geese, then I started hearing other birds and this cool breeze hit my face. But it’s no longer cool with the threat of cold – it’s cool in expectation of the sun.
Pride and Joy – I want to send my dad the lyrics to that song. It explains everything. I just don’t think he’d get it.
This is an upswing – this last month has had some new lows, but I think we’re on the upswing. My brother hit the tipping point and is now actively recovering. My mom.... I think the good days are balancing the bad days. And I’m on my way out of college life... on to new things, or a new period of old things- today feels like a new beginning.... not for any real reason.... maybe it’s the air... the feel of spring.... restless, motivated, ready to get shit done!
Cheers!
Monday, November 15, 2010
November 15, a day which shall live in infamy
November 15, 2010
A year ago today, my dad left my mom. A month ago today, their divorce was final. Within a week, he was remarried. Last week, my mom officially declared her dating status. So, within a year, I went from being a grad student of parents who never divorced, to having to deal with all the bullshit of a split family. What to do about the holidays? Do I talk to him? Do I spend time with his family? Etc.
Law school has always felt like a refining fire. This last year felt like being dipped in plasma. But, I can see so much good that has come out of it. My mom is a better person – snapped out of the daily drama. My brother, I worry about. He has grown jaded and angry. God has made me better, though. He has humbled me and forced me to work very hard. Right now, I feel like any new lessons and abilities to concentrate and focus are totally out the window. As Senator Bob says, I’m soured. However, I am confident it is for the best. My friendships have been refined. I’ve come to terms, to a certain extent, with my sexuality and how I am going to live out my life and how that correlates with my life in the church community. The challenge is to stay, not to run away. I do think I’ve changed in ways that I’m not sure are good. I’m more abrupt, more bold, less inhibited, more confident, more stubborn, more apathetic. You know how a good swim makes you feel refreshed, but simultaneously utterly exhausted? I think that is how I feel. And now, many of my law school friends graduated and left and some more leaving soon and me transitioning soon. I put on my facebook- “the end of the beginning.” Sometimes I’m annoyed with people I care about. They lack a certain depth. Lori says the end of what beginning? Never mind. If you don’t get it, I don’t want to try to explain. This last year was the beginning of a new beginning. Today marks the end of the beginning. When dad walked out, God threw me out a window into a new level of adulthood. Within the next year, I will write a thesis, take the bar exam, learn to cope with changing relationships, hopefully get a job and start the next phase of my life.
Oddly, after Barb’s stern email last week, I feel motivated. She said to shoot for 30-40 hours a week. So, I’m shooting for 8 hours a day. A goal. All I needed, perhaps, was a goal. Or for this day to come, or to get my apartment settled – completely. Or just a month off from driving home.... Or that sense of urgency that comes with hitting the latter part of the semester, or more medication. Or, all of the above. Regardless... I’m working, focusing and today, walking back from student health, I decided I was going to finish a master’s thesis by May. It will be a somewhat remarkable feat, but I bet I can do it. I’m willing to rise to the challenge. Again, I’m not sure what changed. Maybe someone prayed a little extra for me. Maybe I confessed my apathy..... I’m really not sure what changed. But, I’m willing to wake up tomorrow and start anew. 27, divorced parents, grad student, coffee drinker. (the latter, I think, will be essential to surviving the next six months.
Oo – I just realized, in six months, I will be graduated. This really is a milestone. Today. Right now. Tomorrow is the first day of the next era and I am thankful. This realization makes me excited, refreshed, etc. I tried to feel like this at each small milestone through this divorce, but I didn’t feel it – it was hollow. Today, I feel wholly ready for the next big thing.
A year ago today, my dad left my mom. A month ago today, their divorce was final. Within a week, he was remarried. Last week, my mom officially declared her dating status. So, within a year, I went from being a grad student of parents who never divorced, to having to deal with all the bullshit of a split family. What to do about the holidays? Do I talk to him? Do I spend time with his family? Etc.
Law school has always felt like a refining fire. This last year felt like being dipped in plasma. But, I can see so much good that has come out of it. My mom is a better person – snapped out of the daily drama. My brother, I worry about. He has grown jaded and angry. God has made me better, though. He has humbled me and forced me to work very hard. Right now, I feel like any new lessons and abilities to concentrate and focus are totally out the window. As Senator Bob says, I’m soured. However, I am confident it is for the best. My friendships have been refined. I’ve come to terms, to a certain extent, with my sexuality and how I am going to live out my life and how that correlates with my life in the church community. The challenge is to stay, not to run away. I do think I’ve changed in ways that I’m not sure are good. I’m more abrupt, more bold, less inhibited, more confident, more stubborn, more apathetic. You know how a good swim makes you feel refreshed, but simultaneously utterly exhausted? I think that is how I feel. And now, many of my law school friends graduated and left and some more leaving soon and me transitioning soon. I put on my facebook- “the end of the beginning.” Sometimes I’m annoyed with people I care about. They lack a certain depth. Lori says the end of what beginning? Never mind. If you don’t get it, I don’t want to try to explain. This last year was the beginning of a new beginning. Today marks the end of the beginning. When dad walked out, God threw me out a window into a new level of adulthood. Within the next year, I will write a thesis, take the bar exam, learn to cope with changing relationships, hopefully get a job and start the next phase of my life.
Oddly, after Barb’s stern email last week, I feel motivated. She said to shoot for 30-40 hours a week. So, I’m shooting for 8 hours a day. A goal. All I needed, perhaps, was a goal. Or for this day to come, or to get my apartment settled – completely. Or just a month off from driving home.... Or that sense of urgency that comes with hitting the latter part of the semester, or more medication. Or, all of the above. Regardless... I’m working, focusing and today, walking back from student health, I decided I was going to finish a master’s thesis by May. It will be a somewhat remarkable feat, but I bet I can do it. I’m willing to rise to the challenge. Again, I’m not sure what changed. Maybe someone prayed a little extra for me. Maybe I confessed my apathy..... I’m really not sure what changed. But, I’m willing to wake up tomorrow and start anew. 27, divorced parents, grad student, coffee drinker. (the latter, I think, will be essential to surviving the next six months.
Oo – I just realized, in six months, I will be graduated. This really is a milestone. Today. Right now. Tomorrow is the first day of the next era and I am thankful. This realization makes me excited, refreshed, etc. I tried to feel like this at each small milestone through this divorce, but I didn’t feel it – it was hollow. Today, I feel wholly ready for the next big thing.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Ass-kicking
This fifth semester of law school has been rough. Or maybe it was the year long death of a marriage that did it to me. My counselor/life coach tells me that if/when I ever meet someone I will need to tell them that I've been through a divorce... not mine own, but still, a divorce. Either way, all semester I've struggled, like Jacob with the angel? I'm apathetic."If only I could find an enemy bigger than my apathy, I could have won." I'm distracted, no longer motivated. I'm not afraid of failing. I'm not afraid of disappointing anyone. If you don't have fear to motivate you, what is left? A desire for money? I can make enough money to support myself without a JD/MS. A desire for success? getting out of bed in the morning is success. Power? My power lies within my faith. Sex, drugs, or money? Not appealing. So.... a remote sense that I don't want to disappoint my professor. Yes. That is not enough to make me motivated. So, I've been half-assing my way through. Until last week. Sitting in class, I realized that I was miserable because I am never adequately prepared. Part of being the person I want to be is being prepared. I am never adequately prepared. So, I have determined to learn to prepare. However, I then turned in my thesis proposal. I knew it wasn't awesome. However, the reaction from my adorably wonderful major professor was enough to tip me over the edge of the abyss. Hence, the ass-kicking. Not to say, it wasn't deserved. It totally was. I half-assed that thing. However, I don't know how I am going to devote enough time to this thing and do the other things I need to do. I don't even know how to do this thing. I woke up this morning wondering if I could even do this. I thought, well, I finished law school, I should be able to get a master's degree.But, on the other hand, I don't seem to want to do this, be very good at doing this, or have the energy for this. Why should I do this if I'm not going to do a good job of it? I want to do well. I want to not let my professor down. But I don't want to suck at this. I was pretty down. I'm tired, not physically tired as much. These days I sleep 8-9 hours a night. Shocking to anyone who knew me in college. I used to be a 5-7 a night girl.I'm emotionally tired. In the last year, my parents went from a 35 year marriage to being divorced, my dad remarried and my mom dating some guy she knew in highschool. That's kind of a paradigm shift. I'm intellectually tired. Right now, I don't want to think this hard anymore. I don't want to figure things out anymore. I just want to slip into a rote existence. Fortunately I have great friends who have more faith in me than they should. They also remind me that I'll regret it if I quit and that I will be ok. Some good conversations and a good 6 hours in a coffee shop working, listening to chill music, and a honey latte I'm ok. Still tired, but I can do this. Sometimes motivation is all about mindset. Sometimes depression is the only cure for apathy. That or good company of people who care about you and believe in you. (A nap and a good lunch helps, too.)
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