I discovered the day after Christmas that I am capable of feeling emotions strong enough to make me physically sick to my stomach. that's never really happened before.
Well, that's not true. It hasn't happened in a really long time.
Someone told me that your parents splitting up is a life-defining moment. You know, that period of time that you measure all other time against. That was before, or after. Right now, I can think of three, well, four defining moments in my life. My grandma dying, the two year period I was in a relationship, opening my birth certificate and the ensuing process of searching for and finding my bio. parents, and this. There have been a lot of other things that have been hard and have changed me, but these four moments are at the top.
I have felt sick to my stomach due to emotional distress before... That and a shitty gall bladder.
She couldn't give us presents - too much money in a time when money is a potential issue. She felt really bad - they had discussed giving us each a camera, but she didn't think we'd want them anymore.
He didn't get it.
We got our cameras.
It made me feel ill. Receiving it from him made me hate him, made me cry, made me wish he were dead so I could move on.
It felt like pay-off, a buy-out, a "see, I'm a better parent" moment that I never thought I would have to endure.
And yet, maybe he just was following through with the former plan because he knew she couldn't.
Either way, I'm keeping it. I just might not be able to use it for a while.

Insanity

"lately, I've been wondering if we are all destined to go crazy at some point in our lives and be totally irrational and obsessive and nuts.
I don't want to go insane."
but then, I'm afraid that I already am and its inevitable and I can't stop it.

"why not just stop worrying about it and deal with it if it starts to happen?
otherwise you will become obsessive about whether you are becoming obsessive?"

"do you know when it starts to happen?
or is it one of those things that everyone else sees, but no one says anything
people tell me that I'm nuts, and that I'm crazy all the time
what if its true?
and I dont even know it?"

"then why does it matter?"
" because its not ok."

I just had this conversation. Really.

Beauty

A moment of beauty – listening to Apocalyptica – crying cello music as a v-shaped flock of birds fly over – split second 60 miles per hour – sheer beauty in that split second.
Yesterday, the world looked different. I saw beauty where I hadn't seen it before. The world moved by me in multitudes of sudden still photographs.

A friend told me that this would be a defining moment in my life.
I have grown up in the last month. I thought I was grown up, but I have grown up. I no longer forget the little details - stoking the fire, hanging up the phone - because there's no one there to pick up the pieces. I don't dread it though - it is like a new job - shiny, exciting, like putting on a new coat that is a little big, but will fit with time. Grocery shopping for someone else is strange. I really do like cooking, and even doing dishes isn't so bad.

"How are you doing" - I am one of those obnoxiously honest people who will tell you exactly how I am. Lately I just say,"I'm here." I don't know what else to say. God is good and I'm here to prove it.

writing

This girl I know, love, has a girlfriend who writes. I've been reading her writing and it has inspired me. All it takes to blog is to take a few minutes a day and write... just write.

I'm going to try. I want to do this.

Thought for the day: There is something surreal about watching someone who is depressed become intoxicated, whether it be on pills, alcohol, or a combination of the two. To watch them spiral down, begin repeating themselves, slurring their words, staring off into space... This other girl whom I love used to call it a death spiral. She listened to sad music and would just stare at the computer and rock and cry. This time it is different. This woman I love moves her hands, her feet, obsessively - like my grandpa when he is upset. she just stares... I can see the thoughts moving around and around in her mind like an evil carousel. Repeating the same stories, adding new details, leaving out others that have already been spoken. I can see her father in her, I can see her mother in her, I can see her son in her.

Isn't it strange how each of us are a composite of so many other people? I have my mom's mannerisms, look like my mother, have my father's hair and eyes, act like my daddy, stutter like my big brother... and so many other traits from so many other people. Who are we, really? Driving back from meeting my father, I realized that I now had the parameters of who I am. Before, it had seemed like I was open ended on two sides. Now, those parameters are in place. I am still what I am - an amoeba in a corral, but at least there are sides on the corral now.

Enough for today.

update

"I've decided to start blogging again" - six months ago.... haha.
Between my Halloween and Thanksgiving (app. 3 weeks) I met my birth father, turned 26, had the "we should stop seeing each other" conversation, discovered I have mono, left school early to make my mom eat and keep her from taking too many pills, and found out my little household will soon be three... or four (including me). Odd. Then today... I found out that I had inadvertently been part of a love triangle of sorts. Is this real life?

I don't know who reads this blog. I hope I'm not revealing secrets that are too shocking. This life just blows my mind sometimes.
On a brighter note - I love the cold -the stars are so clear, the sunsets are so cold and yet cozy at the same time. I love driving through the Palouse at sunset.

my first week in the Department of Justice

Well, I have decided to start blogging again – maybe… depends on how much time I have. In the last week, I have appeared before two judges in three hearings. One of which was Ninth Circuit Judge Tachima – I’ve appeared before him twice. Flubbed up today, but nothing serious. Also, he knows I’m a novice and was quite gracious. I have also written two indictments, prepared deposition questions, prepared questions for a probation officer for a probable cause hearing (that’s tomorrow – scary!), investigated investor fraud (met an FBI agent), presented fake evidence in a workshop (flubbed that too!), wrote a letter recommending a guy for a pardon, among other things.
I can’t decide if I want to be a lawyer or not. If I can get into a project, it’s fun. But, I’ve realized, when I hit roadblocks, they totally derail me and I hate my job and stare out the window for like two minutes, then remember what I was doing and get back into it. My brain…
I like my supervisors. George is a lot like Bob. Some of you know what that means, some don’t. Bob is my old boss. Awesome, super smart, down to earth, great sense of humor, very kind and thoughtful – the kind of man I would follow around like a lost puppy. That’s what George is like too! God is gracious to me and gives me good people to teach me and work with me. I’m quite thankful for that!
Well, this is the start. We’ll see how things go. I’ve walked to work once and ridden my bike twice – I much prefer riding my bike – not nearly as tiring, much faster. However, if the point is to get exercise, I should walk… hmmm.
I don’t have a scale. I’m hoping that I am losing weight, but my luck the end of the summer will come and I’ll find a scale and still weigh two bucks plus. Hmmm.
I live in a cute little house with two classmates in an old part of town (old as in cool houses, not as in shitty). We have a dog - well, Catherine (not that one) has a dog, named Gus. I’ve adopted him for the summer, he’s super cute. Well, that’s my story. Stay tuned.

the ides of march

so, I just realised that today was the ides of march. BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH. It's probably a good thing I didn't know what day today was when I woke up - I may have just stayed in bed.
For anyone reading this who doesn't know - March historically is a bad month for me. I used to have a lot of pets die in March. Then I had grandparents and friends die in march. Then bad things started happening to people I loved in march. Then bad things started happening to me in March. Now I just make bad decisions in March that end up putting my little mind in a tailspin. I never shake it until well into April, either.

Alas,
beware the ides of march.

random

I've been seeing a dietician lately. My stomach and I have a love/hate relationship and have had for a long time - most of my life, in fact. It never stopped me from eating and drinking vast quantities of whatever I wanted and whatever looked, smelled, or tasted interesting.... until now. Recent events made me realize that sometimes things can be happening inside of you that you are not even aware of until a crisis point is reached. So, I decided it was important for me to take control of more areas of my life and get the help I need to over come these difficulties.Unfortunately, ironically, taking control of my life has meant submitting myself to a variety of people and restrictions that are really annoying to me. For example, I have started working out - you know how much it sucks? but it's good for me, and it will pay off, but it means discipline, which is a form of submission. I am currently on a gluten-free diet - this means no wheat products - including my all time favorite bevarage - beer. Spring break, st. Patrick's day and I cannot drink beer. Because, I have submitted myself to a regimen that someone who I do not even respect says that I'll be better off in the end. Really, will I? Sometimes I think, life is short - why can't I just do what I want now - why can't I be happy now? because if I am disciplined now, it'll be better off in the end. Who is to say that end will come? what if I die tomorrow and I never got to drink all the beer I want? What is best, anyway? its more complicated than it seems, I think. Doctor's think that they can take your vitals, figure out whats wrong with you, give you a pill or put you on a restriction and you will be all better. Psychologists think they can help you talk everything out and you will be all better. Natural doctors say that they can reset your organ systems and energies, then you will be all better. Chiropractors say they can put your bones back in place and then you will be ok. Pastors and church leaders say, follow this code of ethics and morals that our history and tradition says God has given us - you will be happier in the end. Be miserable now - you will be happier in the end. That seems rather backwards to me. Is the opposite true? Be happy now - you will be miserable in the end. Why can't I just be happy now and in the end? Maybe they are all right and wrong. Maybe your God is too small. Sometimes our gods require too much of us. Sometimes making our God too small makes Him require too much of us.
Rant #2.
Confess your sins one to another - the Bible actually says this. But, I instead see Christians saying - I will confess my sins to you if I think it will not hurt my reputation and if I think that my experience will make you feel better - BUT, I want you to share your sins with me so I can "help you bear your burdens." What if, when I tell you my burdens, you end up crying because you can't handle my burdens and then I end up carrying your burden of carrying my burden for you? I really think then I am better off just carrying my own. Why should I tell you whats on my mind, what hurts my soul if in the end I am going to be comforting you? quote- that's what being part of the body of Christ is all about. No. That's convoluted. Being part of the body of Christ is about loving and being loved - too bad none of us have a clue what that means and we are so caught up in our own insecurities to actually be able to accomplish that.
I feel like I'm being arrogant. That is not my intention. I do not love my fellow Christians as I ought. Mostly because they annoy me because they are weak and they think they are strong, or they are weak and they think they are weak because they forget that the purpose of acknowledging our weakness is to reveal God's strength.
Final Rant:
I am annoyed when people tell me how much they love me but the only time they tell me that is when I have said or done something that rocks their little perfect world. Do not tell me you love me unless you are willing to follow it through - words mean little to me, unless they are backed up by actions. If you are going to tell me you love me, send me random emails, come do my dishes and vacumn my floor, come sit with me at a coffee shop while I am studying, call me and tell me about some song you heard that made you think of me, send me an email with a funny joke because you know I like to laugh, buy me things that you think I would like whenever you find them, don't ask me what I want for my birthday and then give it to me. Love me by taking the time to know me, by asking me personal questions, then waiting for the third and fourth answers, because the first two answers are most likely going to be polite automatic reactions. give me hugs whether you think I will like it or not, most likely I will like it and not tell you. Have you read the five love languages? words are not mine. Acts of Service and thoughtful gifts and physical touch are mine - both giving and receiving.

Ok, I am done. I just needed to talk in an atmosphere where no one was listening so that I didn't have to be defensive, I could just "talk".

Thank you

Thank you.
I wanted to write and thank all of you who were here for the jazz festival, and all of you who park in the law school parking lot (and do not go to school at the law school), and all of you who prefer to park outside of the lines. You may have saved my life.
Last week, after a particularly long day during which eating was less than a priority, I blacked out in the rec center after a rather strenuous gravity group class. Yes, if you heard the sirens about 5:30 pm on Monday, February 23, that was the ambulance coming to save me. As a result, I spent some time in the clinic on Tuesday talking to a very nice PA. She informed me that I have low blood pressure, and that I should make sure not to change positions too quickly and be sure to eat enough protein throughout the day not to mention to be sure to get enough exercise, etc.
Well, Thursday morning was one of those days again. Eating was not a priority and it is quite possible I would have blacked out in Constitutional Law (It is a very strenuous class, after all). However, due to the inch of snow that had fallen and the delightful presence of the jazz festival in town, there were no parking spaces available to me, a simple second year law student. I cannot lay blame, I am not perfect. However, it is ironic to me how it only takes an inch of snow and a bunch of people from out of town to inspire a purely ridiculous parking situation. I swear (keep in mind, I could be exaggerating due to a brain dysfunction resulting from a lack of protein) that there were at least ten wasted parking spaces due to extremely creative parking (straddling the parking stripes, parallel parking a half a car length away from the car in front of you etc.).
So, you are wondering, how did this save my life? Well, the parking situation raised my blood pressure. I do not know how much, I am not that diligent in taking my blood pressure, but I am sure it raised it from its low normal rate of 105/65 to at least 120/80. Not to mention the half mile walk from the upper corner of the upper Kibbie Dome parking lot – I had not gotten a work out since Tuesday, so I am sure I was due for one. Between the 10 minute walk and the raised blood pressure, I was saved from blacking out during Constitutional Law. Thank you – to all who contributed to raising my blood pressure
PS. It is a good thing that I was not wearing heels. I may have been much less grateful if I had been wearing heels and suffered a broken ankle, or stone bruises in the balls of my feet due to the walk from the upper parking lot.

too much

One of the people who received an award at the Oscar's said "Sometimes our gods ask too much of us."
I don't really remember what he said other than that and i don't even really remember what the context of the statement was, but it was in close proximity to the Dark Knight and Heath Ledger's receipt of the best Oscar award.
This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately, ever since Heath Ledger's death. He was so deep in his character that he couldn't come back. Christian Bale has received a lot of press lately because he had a similar experience, where he was so deep in character that he acted in an unacceptable way.
What have we done? we have created a god out of seeing real life played out in an unreal manner. We glorify those who can remove themselves and place themselves into someone, something else's mind. Those who are best at this are frequently on the edge of mental illness or some sort of addictions that I believe help them deal with the disconnect. I don't remember what movie it was... maybe Love Actually... but there were these two porn stars.... They were completely disconnected from what they were doing and . That image sticks in my mind because it is a total disconnect for me. How do you separate who you are as a person from what your body is doing? who you are as a person from this other person that you intentionally allow to live in your mind for a period of time? What have we come to? when we glorify lying to ourselves?
I understand the value of storytelling. Storytelling is how we as a culture define who we are and how we shape the next generation and how we remember where we've come from and where we want to go. I told my mom once that I loved sci-fi (space futuristic shows like Stargate, Star Trek, Babylon 5, Battlestar Galactica) because it provided a space for us as humans to explore what it means to be human by looking at humanity from an external perspective. She didn't really get it, but I think it is valuable.
Aren't these the big questions in life? what does it mean to be human? to be male? to be female? to be a friend, a neighbor, a lover? This is the conflict in my mind. The value in storytelling to discover who we are as humans versus the sacrifice that good actors give mentally, emotionally, spiritually.
Maybe we've made gods of ourselves, gods of our entertainment, gods of reason, gods of understanding. Sometimes our gods ask too much of us.
I believe in God. Not a god I have created for myself. The God that has captured my mind and soul created me. He (yes, he, because that is how he identifies himself, although God surely transcends gender) also told us that he requires much of us, but he will always give us tools to endure what he requires of us. He gives us Comfort, tools, strength, peace.
Our gods of reason, entertainment, understanding do not give us anything to endure what they require of us. They offer a death spiral of introspection, lack of understanding, pain and confusion. This is humanity - we are limited, we are depraved, we are selfish and we hurt, we feel things we can't control or comprehend.
Sometimes our gods ask too much of us, but the one true God will never ask more than he gives us strength to endure. (1 Corinthians 10:13)

a new post

I still don't know if anyone (other than Catherine) actually reads this blog. I should advertise - cause I really enjoy my random rants and raves..... hm, narcissistic?
anyway, It is a new year and as of 9 am the beginning of a new era. IT promises to either be the new heaven and the new earth or the slippery slope to hell depending on who I choose to listen to. Most likely it will be an era with a President who has hard decisions to make and makes the right choice about 50% of the timeand hopefully things don't get too much worse because I don't want to hear the whining.
People frequently ask, so, how was your Christmas? Then the debate - do I tell them that it was shitty, or do I say - great, how was yours? Unfortunately, more and more, honesty and bluntness wins out and my polite tactful self retreats further and further into the darkness. It kinda sucked. My brother was being a jackass(code word for unfortunate soul caught between two very strong personalities). My grandpa was in the hospital with pneumonia the whole time (and is still). I was exhausted the entire time. and it snowed every other day, which would normally make me happy, but this time, meant I couldn't leave without feeling guilty for making my mommy abandoned at home. Ironically, as soon as I got back to Moscow, I was cheerful and felt well-rested. Um, where did that come from? then I went home for Grandma Boatman's funeral. She wasn't my grandma, but she let me into her family as if I was. She had an infectious smile and a joy and peace about her that made everyone feel at home. Then she got sick and God took her home at 67. I bawled and bawled at the funeral - not before, not after. Just then. Thank goodness for Michelle having tissues.
Now I am depressed and unmotivated again. my mind is full of obligations and schedules and dates that have no basis in reality which means I will miss most of it. Hopefully, I wake up soon. This could be a really great semester :)

The Frozen fog is beautiful and the sky in Moscow is grey, but the sun has been nice. I think I'll keep going and try to get all my homework done so I don't dread going to class for the rest of the week.

Cheers!