random

I've been seeing a dietician lately. My stomach and I have a love/hate relationship and have had for a long time - most of my life, in fact. It never stopped me from eating and drinking vast quantities of whatever I wanted and whatever looked, smelled, or tasted interesting.... until now. Recent events made me realize that sometimes things can be happening inside of you that you are not even aware of until a crisis point is reached. So, I decided it was important for me to take control of more areas of my life and get the help I need to over come these difficulties.Unfortunately, ironically, taking control of my life has meant submitting myself to a variety of people and restrictions that are really annoying to me. For example, I have started working out - you know how much it sucks? but it's good for me, and it will pay off, but it means discipline, which is a form of submission. I am currently on a gluten-free diet - this means no wheat products - including my all time favorite bevarage - beer. Spring break, st. Patrick's day and I cannot drink beer. Because, I have submitted myself to a regimen that someone who I do not even respect says that I'll be better off in the end. Really, will I? Sometimes I think, life is short - why can't I just do what I want now - why can't I be happy now? because if I am disciplined now, it'll be better off in the end. Who is to say that end will come? what if I die tomorrow and I never got to drink all the beer I want? What is best, anyway? its more complicated than it seems, I think. Doctor's think that they can take your vitals, figure out whats wrong with you, give you a pill or put you on a restriction and you will be all better. Psychologists think they can help you talk everything out and you will be all better. Natural doctors say that they can reset your organ systems and energies, then you will be all better. Chiropractors say they can put your bones back in place and then you will be ok. Pastors and church leaders say, follow this code of ethics and morals that our history and tradition says God has given us - you will be happier in the end. Be miserable now - you will be happier in the end. That seems rather backwards to me. Is the opposite true? Be happy now - you will be miserable in the end. Why can't I just be happy now and in the end? Maybe they are all right and wrong. Maybe your God is too small. Sometimes our gods require too much of us. Sometimes making our God too small makes Him require too much of us.
Rant #2.
Confess your sins one to another - the Bible actually says this. But, I instead see Christians saying - I will confess my sins to you if I think it will not hurt my reputation and if I think that my experience will make you feel better - BUT, I want you to share your sins with me so I can "help you bear your burdens." What if, when I tell you my burdens, you end up crying because you can't handle my burdens and then I end up carrying your burden of carrying my burden for you? I really think then I am better off just carrying my own. Why should I tell you whats on my mind, what hurts my soul if in the end I am going to be comforting you? quote- that's what being part of the body of Christ is all about. No. That's convoluted. Being part of the body of Christ is about loving and being loved - too bad none of us have a clue what that means and we are so caught up in our own insecurities to actually be able to accomplish that.
I feel like I'm being arrogant. That is not my intention. I do not love my fellow Christians as I ought. Mostly because they annoy me because they are weak and they think they are strong, or they are weak and they think they are weak because they forget that the purpose of acknowledging our weakness is to reveal God's strength.
Final Rant:
I am annoyed when people tell me how much they love me but the only time they tell me that is when I have said or done something that rocks their little perfect world. Do not tell me you love me unless you are willing to follow it through - words mean little to me, unless they are backed up by actions. If you are going to tell me you love me, send me random emails, come do my dishes and vacumn my floor, come sit with me at a coffee shop while I am studying, call me and tell me about some song you heard that made you think of me, send me an email with a funny joke because you know I like to laugh, buy me things that you think I would like whenever you find them, don't ask me what I want for my birthday and then give it to me. Love me by taking the time to know me, by asking me personal questions, then waiting for the third and fourth answers, because the first two answers are most likely going to be polite automatic reactions. give me hugs whether you think I will like it or not, most likely I will like it and not tell you. Have you read the five love languages? words are not mine. Acts of Service and thoughtful gifts and physical touch are mine - both giving and receiving.

Ok, I am done. I just needed to talk in an atmosphere where no one was listening so that I didn't have to be defensive, I could just "talk".