November 15, a day which shall live in infamy

November 15, 2010
A year ago today, my dad left my mom. A month ago today, their divorce was final. Within a week, he was remarried. Last week, my mom officially declared her dating status. So, within a year, I went from being a grad student of parents who never divorced, to having to deal with all the bullshit of a split family. What to do about the holidays? Do I talk to him? Do I spend time with his family? Etc.
Law school has always felt like a refining fire. This last year felt like being dipped in plasma. But, I can see so much good that has come out of it. My mom is a better person – snapped out of the daily drama. My brother, I worry about. He has grown jaded and angry. God has made me better, though. He has humbled me and forced me to work very hard. Right now, I feel like any new lessons and abilities to concentrate and focus are totally out the window. As Senator Bob says, I’m soured. However, I am confident it is for the best. My friendships have been refined. I’ve come to terms, to a certain extent, with my sexuality and how I am going to live out my life and how that correlates with my life in the church community. The challenge is to stay, not to run away. I do think I’ve changed in ways that I’m not sure are good. I’m more abrupt, more bold, less inhibited, more confident, more stubborn, more apathetic. You know how a good swim makes you feel refreshed, but simultaneously utterly exhausted? I think that is how I feel. And now, many of my law school friends graduated and left and some more leaving soon and me transitioning soon. I put on my facebook- “the end of the beginning.” Sometimes I’m annoyed with people I care about. They lack a certain depth. Lori says the end of what beginning? Never mind. If you don’t get it, I don’t want to try to explain. This last year was the beginning of a new beginning. Today marks the end of the beginning. When dad walked out, God threw me out a window into a new level of adulthood. Within the next year, I will write a thesis, take the bar exam, learn to cope with changing relationships, hopefully get a job and start the next phase of my life.
Oddly, after Barb’s stern email last week, I feel motivated. She said to shoot for 30-40 hours a week. So, I’m shooting for 8 hours a day. A goal. All I needed, perhaps, was a goal. Or for this day to come, or to get my apartment settled – completely. Or just a month off from driving home.... Or that sense of urgency that comes with hitting the latter part of the semester, or more medication. Or, all of the above. Regardless... I’m working, focusing and today, walking back from student health, I decided I was going to finish a master’s thesis by May. It will be a somewhat remarkable feat, but I bet I can do it. I’m willing to rise to the challenge. Again, I’m not sure what changed. Maybe someone prayed a little extra for me. Maybe I confessed my apathy..... I’m really not sure what changed. But, I’m willing to wake up tomorrow and start anew. 27, divorced parents, grad student, coffee drinker. (the latter, I think, will be essential to surviving the next six months.
Oo – I just realized, in six months, I will be graduated. This really is a milestone. Today. Right now. Tomorrow is the first day of the next era and I am thankful. This realization makes me excited, refreshed, etc. I tried to feel like this at each small milestone through this divorce, but I didn’t feel it – it was hollow. Today, I feel wholly ready for the next big thing.