Ass-kicking

This fifth semester of law school has been rough. Or maybe it was the year long death of a marriage that did it to me. My counselor/life coach tells me that if/when I ever meet someone I will need to tell them that I've been through a divorce... not mine own, but still, a divorce. Either way, all semester I've struggled, like Jacob with the angel? I'm apathetic."If only I could find an enemy bigger than my apathy, I could have won." I'm distracted, no longer motivated. I'm not afraid of failing. I'm not afraid of disappointing anyone. If you don't have fear to motivate you, what is left? A desire for money? I can make enough money to support myself without a JD/MS. A desire for success? getting out of bed in the morning is success. Power? My power lies within my faith. Sex, drugs, or money? Not appealing. So.... a remote sense that I don't want to disappoint my professor. Yes. That is not enough to make me motivated. So, I've been half-assing my way through. Until last week. Sitting in class, I realized that I was miserable because I am never adequately prepared. Part of being the person I want to be is being prepared. I am never adequately prepared. So, I have determined to learn to prepare. However, I then turned in my thesis proposal. I knew it wasn't awesome. However, the reaction from my adorably wonderful major professor was enough to tip me over the edge of the abyss. Hence, the ass-kicking. Not to say, it wasn't deserved. It totally was. I half-assed that thing. However, I don't know how I am going to devote enough time to this thing and do the other things I need to do. I don't even know how to do this thing. I woke up this morning wondering if I could even do this. I thought, well, I finished law school, I should be able to get a master's degree.But, on the other hand, I don't seem to want to do this, be very good at doing this, or have the energy for this. Why should I do this if I'm not going to do a good job of it? I want to do well. I want to not let my professor down. But I don't want to suck at this. I was pretty down. I'm tired, not physically tired as much. These days I sleep 8-9 hours a night. Shocking to anyone who knew me in college. I used to be a 5-7 a night girl.I'm emotionally tired. In the last year, my parents went from a 35 year marriage to being divorced, my dad remarried and my mom dating some guy she knew in highschool. That's kind of a paradigm shift. I'm intellectually tired. Right now, I don't want to think this hard anymore. I don't want to figure things out anymore. I just want to slip into a rote existence. Fortunately I have great friends who have more faith in me than they should. They also remind me that I'll regret it if I quit and that I will be ok. Some good conversations and a good 6 hours in a coffee shop working, listening to chill music, and a honey latte I'm ok. Still tired, but I can do this. Sometimes motivation is all about mindset. Sometimes depression is the only cure for apathy. That or good company of people who care about you and believe in you. (A nap and a good lunch helps, too.)