November 15, a day which shall live in infamy

November 15, 2010
A year ago today, my dad left my mom. A month ago today, their divorce was final. Within a week, he was remarried. Last week, my mom officially declared her dating status. So, within a year, I went from being a grad student of parents who never divorced, to having to deal with all the bullshit of a split family. What to do about the holidays? Do I talk to him? Do I spend time with his family? Etc.
Law school has always felt like a refining fire. This last year felt like being dipped in plasma. But, I can see so much good that has come out of it. My mom is a better person – snapped out of the daily drama. My brother, I worry about. He has grown jaded and angry. God has made me better, though. He has humbled me and forced me to work very hard. Right now, I feel like any new lessons and abilities to concentrate and focus are totally out the window. As Senator Bob says, I’m soured. However, I am confident it is for the best. My friendships have been refined. I’ve come to terms, to a certain extent, with my sexuality and how I am going to live out my life and how that correlates with my life in the church community. The challenge is to stay, not to run away. I do think I’ve changed in ways that I’m not sure are good. I’m more abrupt, more bold, less inhibited, more confident, more stubborn, more apathetic. You know how a good swim makes you feel refreshed, but simultaneously utterly exhausted? I think that is how I feel. And now, many of my law school friends graduated and left and some more leaving soon and me transitioning soon. I put on my facebook- “the end of the beginning.” Sometimes I’m annoyed with people I care about. They lack a certain depth. Lori says the end of what beginning? Never mind. If you don’t get it, I don’t want to try to explain. This last year was the beginning of a new beginning. Today marks the end of the beginning. When dad walked out, God threw me out a window into a new level of adulthood. Within the next year, I will write a thesis, take the bar exam, learn to cope with changing relationships, hopefully get a job and start the next phase of my life.
Oddly, after Barb’s stern email last week, I feel motivated. She said to shoot for 30-40 hours a week. So, I’m shooting for 8 hours a day. A goal. All I needed, perhaps, was a goal. Or for this day to come, or to get my apartment settled – completely. Or just a month off from driving home.... Or that sense of urgency that comes with hitting the latter part of the semester, or more medication. Or, all of the above. Regardless... I’m working, focusing and today, walking back from student health, I decided I was going to finish a master’s thesis by May. It will be a somewhat remarkable feat, but I bet I can do it. I’m willing to rise to the challenge. Again, I’m not sure what changed. Maybe someone prayed a little extra for me. Maybe I confessed my apathy..... I’m really not sure what changed. But, I’m willing to wake up tomorrow and start anew. 27, divorced parents, grad student, coffee drinker. (the latter, I think, will be essential to surviving the next six months.
Oo – I just realized, in six months, I will be graduated. This really is a milestone. Today. Right now. Tomorrow is the first day of the next era and I am thankful. This realization makes me excited, refreshed, etc. I tried to feel like this at each small milestone through this divorce, but I didn’t feel it – it was hollow. Today, I feel wholly ready for the next big thing.

Ass-kicking

This fifth semester of law school has been rough. Or maybe it was the year long death of a marriage that did it to me. My counselor/life coach tells me that if/when I ever meet someone I will need to tell them that I've been through a divorce... not mine own, but still, a divorce. Either way, all semester I've struggled, like Jacob with the angel? I'm apathetic."If only I could find an enemy bigger than my apathy, I could have won." I'm distracted, no longer motivated. I'm not afraid of failing. I'm not afraid of disappointing anyone. If you don't have fear to motivate you, what is left? A desire for money? I can make enough money to support myself without a JD/MS. A desire for success? getting out of bed in the morning is success. Power? My power lies within my faith. Sex, drugs, or money? Not appealing. So.... a remote sense that I don't want to disappoint my professor. Yes. That is not enough to make me motivated. So, I've been half-assing my way through. Until last week. Sitting in class, I realized that I was miserable because I am never adequately prepared. Part of being the person I want to be is being prepared. I am never adequately prepared. So, I have determined to learn to prepare. However, I then turned in my thesis proposal. I knew it wasn't awesome. However, the reaction from my adorably wonderful major professor was enough to tip me over the edge of the abyss. Hence, the ass-kicking. Not to say, it wasn't deserved. It totally was. I half-assed that thing. However, I don't know how I am going to devote enough time to this thing and do the other things I need to do. I don't even know how to do this thing. I woke up this morning wondering if I could even do this. I thought, well, I finished law school, I should be able to get a master's degree.But, on the other hand, I don't seem to want to do this, be very good at doing this, or have the energy for this. Why should I do this if I'm not going to do a good job of it? I want to do well. I want to not let my professor down. But I don't want to suck at this. I was pretty down. I'm tired, not physically tired as much. These days I sleep 8-9 hours a night. Shocking to anyone who knew me in college. I used to be a 5-7 a night girl.I'm emotionally tired. In the last year, my parents went from a 35 year marriage to being divorced, my dad remarried and my mom dating some guy she knew in highschool. That's kind of a paradigm shift. I'm intellectually tired. Right now, I don't want to think this hard anymore. I don't want to figure things out anymore. I just want to slip into a rote existence. Fortunately I have great friends who have more faith in me than they should. They also remind me that I'll regret it if I quit and that I will be ok. Some good conversations and a good 6 hours in a coffee shop working, listening to chill music, and a honey latte I'm ok. Still tired, but I can do this. Sometimes motivation is all about mindset. Sometimes depression is the only cure for apathy. That or good company of people who care about you and believe in you. (A nap and a good lunch helps, too.)