I discovered the day after Christmas that I am capable of feeling emotions strong enough to make me physically sick to my stomach. that's never really happened before.
Well, that's not true. It hasn't happened in a really long time.
Someone told me that your parents splitting up is a life-defining moment. You know, that period of time that you measure all other time against. That was before, or after. Right now, I can think of three, well, four defining moments in my life. My grandma dying, the two year period I was in a relationship, opening my birth certificate and the ensuing process of searching for and finding my bio. parents, and this. There have been a lot of other things that have been hard and have changed me, but these four moments are at the top.
I have felt sick to my stomach due to emotional distress before... That and a shitty gall bladder.
She couldn't give us presents - too much money in a time when money is a potential issue. She felt really bad - they had discussed giving us each a camera, but she didn't think we'd want them anymore.
He didn't get it.
We got our cameras.
It made me feel ill. Receiving it from him made me hate him, made me cry, made me wish he were dead so I could move on.
It felt like pay-off, a buy-out, a "see, I'm a better parent" moment that I never thought I would have to endure.
And yet, maybe he just was following through with the former plan because he knew she couldn't.
Either way, I'm keeping it. I just might not be able to use it for a while.

Insanity

"lately, I've been wondering if we are all destined to go crazy at some point in our lives and be totally irrational and obsessive and nuts.
I don't want to go insane."
but then, I'm afraid that I already am and its inevitable and I can't stop it.

"why not just stop worrying about it and deal with it if it starts to happen?
otherwise you will become obsessive about whether you are becoming obsessive?"

"do you know when it starts to happen?
or is it one of those things that everyone else sees, but no one says anything
people tell me that I'm nuts, and that I'm crazy all the time
what if its true?
and I dont even know it?"

"then why does it matter?"
" because its not ok."

I just had this conversation. Really.

Beauty

A moment of beauty – listening to Apocalyptica – crying cello music as a v-shaped flock of birds fly over – split second 60 miles per hour – sheer beauty in that split second.
Yesterday, the world looked different. I saw beauty where I hadn't seen it before. The world moved by me in multitudes of sudden still photographs.

A friend told me that this would be a defining moment in my life.
I have grown up in the last month. I thought I was grown up, but I have grown up. I no longer forget the little details - stoking the fire, hanging up the phone - because there's no one there to pick up the pieces. I don't dread it though - it is like a new job - shiny, exciting, like putting on a new coat that is a little big, but will fit with time. Grocery shopping for someone else is strange. I really do like cooking, and even doing dishes isn't so bad.

"How are you doing" - I am one of those obnoxiously honest people who will tell you exactly how I am. Lately I just say,"I'm here." I don't know what else to say. God is good and I'm here to prove it.

writing

This girl I know, love, has a girlfriend who writes. I've been reading her writing and it has inspired me. All it takes to blog is to take a few minutes a day and write... just write.

I'm going to try. I want to do this.

Thought for the day: There is something surreal about watching someone who is depressed become intoxicated, whether it be on pills, alcohol, or a combination of the two. To watch them spiral down, begin repeating themselves, slurring their words, staring off into space... This other girl whom I love used to call it a death spiral. She listened to sad music and would just stare at the computer and rock and cry. This time it is different. This woman I love moves her hands, her feet, obsessively - like my grandpa when he is upset. she just stares... I can see the thoughts moving around and around in her mind like an evil carousel. Repeating the same stories, adding new details, leaving out others that have already been spoken. I can see her father in her, I can see her mother in her, I can see her son in her.

Isn't it strange how each of us are a composite of so many other people? I have my mom's mannerisms, look like my mother, have my father's hair and eyes, act like my daddy, stutter like my big brother... and so many other traits from so many other people. Who are we, really? Driving back from meeting my father, I realized that I now had the parameters of who I am. Before, it had seemed like I was open ended on two sides. Now, those parameters are in place. I am still what I am - an amoeba in a corral, but at least there are sides on the corral now.

Enough for today.

update

"I've decided to start blogging again" - six months ago.... haha.
Between my Halloween and Thanksgiving (app. 3 weeks) I met my birth father, turned 26, had the "we should stop seeing each other" conversation, discovered I have mono, left school early to make my mom eat and keep her from taking too many pills, and found out my little household will soon be three... or four (including me). Odd. Then today... I found out that I had inadvertently been part of a love triangle of sorts. Is this real life?

I don't know who reads this blog. I hope I'm not revealing secrets that are too shocking. This life just blows my mind sometimes.
On a brighter note - I love the cold -the stars are so clear, the sunsets are so cold and yet cozy at the same time. I love driving through the Palouse at sunset.