So, I had a huge crush on him when I was 17. By my freshman year of college we were quasi- boyfriend/girlfriend, but no one knew about it for various reasons. Then he gave my ring back and said it wasn't right. Then I continued with a disastrous relationship. Then he got into some deep shit. When he came out of is shit, I was out of my relationship. We had a conversation where he said we would never work out, but he then backtracked and said that he hadn't seen a lot of those things in me that he couldn't live wth lately. Somehow I missed the whole, we won't work out, ever, part and held on to the I haven't seen that in you lately part. So, I was conflicted and wrestling and struggling for a year. I just wanted a chance. Our friendship became my chance. I realized this summer that we really wouldn't ever work out. I realized about a month ago that I was carrying a lot of residual hate towards him for the last seven years tht I have spent waiting and loving and agonizing. I forgave him and quit treating him so badly. I know I say a lot of things about him and how I feel, but tonight he realized that I haven't been sure about how he felt for a really long time. He thought he had made it clear about a year ago- well, you know how dense I am when it comes to being rejected. So, now I know, Never means Never and he and I will never be anymore than friends. Which is fine, I'd kill him otherwise, but it's like when Gramps died (after fighting cancer for 8 years)- I'd been grieving for years, but I had to wait for the actual fact that it happened, the actual fact that I knew beyond a doubt that he wasn't interested, to truly let go and grieve. Now, oddly, I realize, he has been a really good friend to me. Just to be a friend. I am ashamed of my idiocy, of my blindness, of my hatred, of how poorly I have treated him. I am relieved most of all, mixed with some shame, some regret, and some general feelings of "I am such an idiot!"
The end of an era the turning of a page. So many of those things that have occupied my mind and heart over the last 25 years have been resolved and healed within the last year plus a few months. If I could only be in contact with my father before November 5, it would be perfect. So... I just wanted you to know. I have the privilege of turning 25 with a truly open heart. Odd.