Rainbows and the Valley of the Shadow of Death

This life we live can be so heavy sometime. With the recent passing of Robin Williams, the debate over suicide and depression is raging. One blogger being harshly criticized for his seemingly unfeeling commentary and the stories are emerging. The theme is that we need to be kind.

Suicide is a horrible thing. It affects the people who remain in utterly profound ways that can’t be explained and that leave an impression, like a footprint, for the rest of their lives. I have had so many conversations about suicide. I think most of the people I have had significant conversations with have contemplated suicide at least once. There are days when life is so heavy that a reprieve seems glorious. The eternity of the reprieve is the only thing that causes a hesitation.

Inextricably linked with suicide is often drug abuse and depression. I cannot comment on drug abuse. I have been blessed with a strangely non-addictive personality and I am thankful.

Depression, on the other hand, is a rabbit hole I have been dancing in and out of for a very long time. I didn’t realize it for the longest time. I thought I was just a mellow person who was sad sometimes. It took one of the most stressful periods of my life compounded by some significant tragedies to send me to a counselor. She was amazing. A woman struggling with her own devastating health issues and life dilemmas, she was very adept at spotting and articulating my and others’ issues. I realized those “mellow” moods were actually called dysthemia and the darker moods had become very dark. At one point I told her I couldn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore.

I was still in school – not excelling, but functioning -  I was doing all the things one should. I attended church regularly, including bible study and prayer meetings. I had excellent close friends. I began going to the gym. My biggest vice was that I liked to drink. Otherwise, my nutrition was fairly good. My sleep habits were not stellar, but they were better than many peoples. My counselor told me I was high-functioning. Another woman I spoke too said that reminded her of working with mentally disabled children. Apparently high-functioning is the term for those who are almost normal.

I made many poor choices during this time of my life. What I think the people who are commenting on this publicly noted suicide and the resulting topic of depression don’t realize is the hopelessness. There are three roots that can form depression – physical deficiencies, spiritual deficiencies, and emotional deficiencies. AS a Christian, I believe God created us to be perfect, but then there was a fall from grace and our bodies developed mutations and genetic propensities that cause us to be less than perfect. Having finally acquiesced to the idea of taking medication, I have realized that I do not have enough serotonin in my system. Compound this physical deficiency with several emotional trauma’s, including being adopted as an infant, the deaths of several grandparents, and my own parent’s divorce. Additionally, I am an emotionally sensitive person, highly empathic and intuitive to the emotions and attitudes of the people around me. Throw in law school, my own failed relationships, rekindled relationships with my birth parents, complicated friendships and my parents’ divorce, and it creates the recipe for a perfect storm.

I am certain now that I have struggled with depression for most of my life. It manifested in many different ways, such as when I plucked out all my eyelashes and most of my eyebrows. In the most severe time, it manifested itself with a lot of alcohol and partying, poor choices in bedfellows, and anything that could make me forget for a little while. Thanks to the 20 mg white pill I take every morning, my serotonin levels are balanced and several other health difficulties vanished, including thyroid and adrenal fatigue.

It’s ironic really. Depression is numbness. It is a sense of hopelessness. A realization that your best is no longer good enough, that being faithful doesn’t mean smooth sailing, that you don’t know, and more terrifyingly, you can’t find the answers. The numbness is a thin veil over pain and anguish, though. At some point, I just wanted it to all go away. The numbness of thorough intoxication, the endorphin rush after sex, the dreamless sleep that comes of sheer exhaustion – these were the only escapes.  

I have been down the rabbithole. But for the grace of God, I didn’t have to suffer through addiction or even end my own life. Even at the worst, I knew there were people who loved me and who I loved and I knew God had a plan for my life and that ending things wasn’t an option. Running away to a far away state and changing my name and never coming back seemed like an option, but ending it all permanently never was.

I have walked through this valley of the shadow of death with loved ones more than once. That walk is almost more excruciating than my own walk down that path. Those who haven’t been there say, “but there’s always hope.” No, there’s not. Hope is ethereal. It is something you can only seize when there is an ounce of faith in whatever you hope in. There are days when you wake up and the sky is gray and the only thing you can think about is that you are one day closer to being worm food and that showering and working and studying are just foolish ways to pass time. Depression is facing the meaning of life and realizing it is subjective. Depression is fearing that all of our talk about profundity in life is just a mask and a distraction from the reality that our existence is but a speck on the windshield of time.

For some reason, we don’t think that our physical well-being is at all related with the emotional traumas of our lives. They are inextricably linked. Migraines and stomachaches can be the symptoms of a guilty conscience. Paralyzing fear can cause extreme body aches. The pills we take to make the migraine go away create dependence and serotonin starvation which leads to dark despair.

Depression is very real. I’m not sure disease is an accurate term. It is a condition of humanity. Sometimes it serves a useful purpose, but much as anything else in life, it must be in balance. It must end and be replaced with joy. Otherwise, it becomes too deep, too dark and the searing arrows that the enemy shoots at us in the valley of the shadow of death strike too deeply to be healed.

Some people get stuck. We’ve all had days where we wanted it to stop - the noise, the discomfort, the restlessness, the hopelessness. Fortunately, most of us find a reason to choose not to take the pills, not to pick up the gun, not to take the affirmative steps to the end. “How many people who jump off the Golden Gate Bridge change their minds half way down?” said Sherman Alexie. That phrase haunts me. Robin Williams could have woken up today and been relieved that he hadn’t followed through with that dark haunting thought. But he didn’t. Most likely, the darkness got too thick and he lost his way just too far.

I was driving through the scablands this summer and was accompanied by a thundercloud. I saw a rainbow and was immediately submerged by a realization. God is like the rainbow. After all, he is the one who gave Noah the rainbow as a promise. The promise was that he would not use water to destroy life again. But maybe the promise is deeper. The conditions that create a rainbow are unique. There must be rain for a rainbow, but there are not always rainbows with the rain. There must be sunlight for a rainbow, but there are not always rainbows in the sun. A rainbow requires a rain cloud – water droplets of significant number suspended in the air – and sunlight at just the right angle.

Life is like that drive through the scablands. Sometimes we drive towards the sun, our faces full of light and love and warmth. Sometimes we drive through the storms, darkness, dampness, and chill filling our souls. In the midst of the darkest storms, we must keep our eyes on the light – on the sun. But, if we are facing the sun, we will never see the rainbow. It is when facing the storm, with our backs to the sun, either before entering or after walking through, that we see the rainbow. Walk towards the light, but don’t forget to turn and see God’s promise in the darkness you walked through. Face the storm with staid determination, seeing God’s promise to carry you through whatever comes your way with the sun at your back and those promises before you.

Depression is that dark cloud. In the midst of the storm, it’s easy to forget the rainbow. But! The elements surround you! The water droplets are still there, the light is still there! It’s just that unique moment when it all comes together that we see the rainbow.

I think Robin Williams forgot about the rainbow. The darkness got too thick and it would seem that he didn’t have faith that the sun, that God, was there with him and would be there on the other side. For one moment, or a handful of moments, he lost sight of the rainbow.

The bloggers are all right, to an extent. Suicide is tragic. Depression is overwhelming. It has spiritual, physical, and emotional causes. Jesus died on the cross to save us from our propensities towards self-destruction. Faith in God and membership in a church community are integrally important to our emotional and spiritual health. Sometimes you need to physically balance the chemicals in your brain.

The bottom line is this: We are a world full of brokenness, darkness, and that cold, blinding rain. As Christians, we have light. We can call on those photons of light that squeeze through and refract into beautiful rainbows. We are the ones who should be able to turn around and see the promises. We need to share those promises. Not in obnoxious evangelism, but in true love.

Be safe. Walk into the rabbit hole with your friend. Hold their hand and hide the pills. Sit with them until they find rest and then answer the phone call in the morning. If you are the one in the valley, reach out to your fellow believers. Share your sorrows and allow them to mourn with you. It’s the hardest thing you will ever do, but they will break that stubborn darkness and remind you of the rainbows. You must then do likewise. The answer isn’t a 2x4 of truth, but the steady pressure on the low back encouraging, loving, and supporting through the valley to the sunlight.