thoughts

I have this file on my computer entitled thoughts - it's basically my journal from the last couple years. I think it's pushing 30 some odd pages. However in the last couple months, I have decided to join the narcissistic, lonely existence of blogging. Sorry if that's offensive.... I too think it's just a good way of communicating, but my cynical half of my personality thinks that it is just (personally) a cry for someone to acknowledge my existence - think Ani Difranco "Someone must care, for I am here and I am real" (or something like that because I'm too lazy to look up the exact words).
Anyway, these are my thoughts as I sit here, mentally exhausted, wanting to just bawl for the sake of crying my eyes out because I'm tired, and thinking about how much I hate law school. See, here's the thing. Law students bitch and moan about law school because a. it's our personality - we complain about everything, b. it's hard, really f-ing hard, c. We are tired of studying when half the time it feels pointless because this is just a rite of passage and half the time we feel like it's not doing us any good and we aren't learning anything useful anyway. Yet, we stay.... because we know that yes, it is a rite of passage and those two letters of the alphabet that we will soon get to put behind our names are worth it - because of the power it will give us, the money it will give us, the influence it will give us.
Law school exams are a big part of this angst. Our entire grade (for the most part) depends on it. And yet, we are told, don't worry, grades don't really matter. Um, excuse me? you are putting me through hell because it doesn't matter?
Our professors do their best to teach us a subject and for the most part, I think they really want us to learn it and understand it, but when it comes to exams.... they write them so that we can't do well on them. Well, some of my classmates can... I can't. Because at the end of the day, I have to choose.... sit in the library and read and outline and wrestle and study (and most likely consequently lose my mind) or do my best to live a balanced, healthy existence. hmmm, should that really be a choice I have to make? I should have outlined this post... I have a feeling it's not going to make sense.
I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say.... I think what we don't want to admit, what they don't want to tell us, is this. To work in the law, you have to be a certain kind of person - able to turn on and off this sense of apathy and your sense of caring. You have to be able to empathize, but able to turn it off so that the bastards of the world don't get you down. You have to be prepared to second guess what everyone says to you, because you will be lied to by your clients, because you are the one who can get them out of the jam they are in and they want so badly to be right and have their opponent be the dirty bastard who is screwing them over.... but there is two sides to every story. To be this person you have to be somewhat hardened. That, I think, is what law school is really about. To prepare us to walk into a brutal profession where the depravity of man slaps us in the face on a regular basis. The problem is, state schools don't believe in the depravity of man. They have to prepare you for the depravity of man without being able to admit that it exists or to be able to explain how it exists when people are "basically good." So, they make us feel completely f-d over on a regular basis.... that's how you get used to it.
Work your tail off, because that's what it takes to keep ahead, even if you work as hard as you can and still end up slipping backwards. Focus! learn to use whatver method you can to win, because that is what you will eat off of. Winning, so you can get paid.
Law school forces us to come to terms with ourselves. Our bad habits- all those ones I was ok with, not good enough anymore. Who will you choose to be?
I can't survive law school without being inexplicably stubborn and persistent. I can't survive law school without believing that at some point, everyone,my professors, my fellow students, are choosing their own self interest above my better good and will most likely deceive me, intentionally or unintentionally, at some point - because that is what it takes to survive in this world.
In my world, this is an example of the depravity of man and this is a result of the fall of man and this is why Christ came to earth (symbolized poorly by our Christmas celebrations) and took upon himself our depravity so that he would be punished and we could be saved. Wow. It gives me comfort... God is good, man is not, and that's ok, because God took care of it and takes care of us. Thanks. It's ok that I can't be focused and disciplined and as a result I am a less than mediocre student. God loves me and he will give me strength to keep trying and to keep learning and keep loving my fellow students as best as I can. Hmmmm. so, do what you can law school! It just affirms my belief in the depravity of man and the sovereignty of God. that can't be all bad.

This is what law school is teaching me. Love God, Love your neighbor, Do justice - Be persistent in this, no matter who F-s you over, no matter how poorly you feel that you are doing it - keep going! Someday, it will all make sense.

My chiropractor told me yesterday (while popping my aching back into some semblance of normalcy) that smart people don't graduate - stubborn people do (she said persistent, but I like stubborn better).

This is why I am going to my exam tomorrow instead of just sleeping. Because I have to keep going.