I have this file on my computer entitled thoughts - it's basically my journal from the last couple years. I think it's pushing 30 some odd pages. However in the last couple months, I have decided to join the narcissistic, lonely existence of blogging. Sorry if that's offensive.... I too think it's just a good way of communicating, but my cynical half of my personality thinks that it is just (personally) a cry for someone to acknowledge my existence - think Ani Difranco "Someone must care, for I am here and I am real" (or something like that because I'm too lazy to look up the exact words).
Anyway, these are my thoughts as I sit here, mentally exhausted, wanting to just bawl for the sake of crying my eyes out because I'm tired, and thinking about how much I hate law school. See, here's the thing. Law students bitch and moan about law school because a. it's our personality - we complain about everything, b. it's hard, really f-ing hard, c. We are tired of studying when half the time it feels pointless because this is just a rite of passage and half the time we feel like it's not doing us any good and we aren't learning anything useful anyway. Yet, we stay.... because we know that yes, it is a rite of passage and those two letters of the alphabet that we will soon get to put behind our names are worth it - because of the power it will give us, the money it will give us, the influence it will give us.
Law school exams are a big part of this angst. Our entire grade (for the most part) depends on it. And yet, we are told, don't worry, grades don't really matter. Um, excuse me? you are putting me through hell because it doesn't matter?
Our professors do their best to teach us a subject and for the most part, I think they really want us to learn it and understand it, but when it comes to exams.... they write them so that we can't do well on them. Well, some of my classmates can... I can't. Because at the end of the day, I have to choose.... sit in the library and read and outline and wrestle and study (and most likely consequently lose my mind) or do my best to live a balanced, healthy existence. hmmm, should that really be a choice I have to make? I should have outlined this post... I have a feeling it's not going to make sense.
I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say.... I think what we don't want to admit, what they don't want to tell us, is this. To work in the law, you have to be a certain kind of person - able to turn on and off this sense of apathy and your sense of caring. You have to be able to empathize, but able to turn it off so that the bastards of the world don't get you down. You have to be prepared to second guess what everyone says to you, because you will be lied to by your clients, because you are the one who can get them out of the jam they are in and they want so badly to be right and have their opponent be the dirty bastard who is screwing them over.... but there is two sides to every story. To be this person you have to be somewhat hardened. That, I think, is what law school is really about. To prepare us to walk into a brutal profession where the depravity of man slaps us in the face on a regular basis. The problem is, state schools don't believe in the depravity of man. They have to prepare you for the depravity of man without being able to admit that it exists or to be able to explain how it exists when people are "basically good." So, they make us feel completely f-d over on a regular basis.... that's how you get used to it.
Work your tail off, because that's what it takes to keep ahead, even if you work as hard as you can and still end up slipping backwards. Focus! learn to use whatver method you can to win, because that is what you will eat off of. Winning, so you can get paid.
Law school forces us to come to terms with ourselves. Our bad habits- all those ones I was ok with, not good enough anymore. Who will you choose to be?
I can't survive law school without being inexplicably stubborn and persistent. I can't survive law school without believing that at some point, everyone,my professors, my fellow students, are choosing their own self interest above my better good and will most likely deceive me, intentionally or unintentionally, at some point - because that is what it takes to survive in this world.
In my world, this is an example of the depravity of man and this is a result of the fall of man and this is why Christ came to earth (symbolized poorly by our Christmas celebrations) and took upon himself our depravity so that he would be punished and we could be saved. Wow. It gives me comfort... God is good, man is not, and that's ok, because God took care of it and takes care of us. Thanks. It's ok that I can't be focused and disciplined and as a result I am a less than mediocre student. God loves me and he will give me strength to keep trying and to keep learning and keep loving my fellow students as best as I can. Hmmmm. so, do what you can law school! It just affirms my belief in the depravity of man and the sovereignty of God. that can't be all bad.
This is what law school is teaching me. Love God, Love your neighbor, Do justice - Be persistent in this, no matter who F-s you over, no matter how poorly you feel that you are doing it - keep going! Someday, it will all make sense.
My chiropractor told me yesterday (while popping my aching back into some semblance of normalcy) that smart people don't graduate - stubborn people do (she said persistent, but I like stubborn better).
This is why I am going to my exam tomorrow instead of just sleeping. Because I have to keep going.
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
who I am - who we are
I just read this article: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28216005/page/2/ - you should too!
It's about Obama defining himself as black. Honestly, this has irritated me a little. I understand what a big step this is for us as a nation to have a president that is not white, but I don't get why the black comomunity has grasped on to him so strongly. In my mind, how you define yourself has a lot to do not only with what is in your genes, but also with how you grew up - they both contribute. Obama was raised by a white single mother and his white grandparents in a wide variety of situations, but is that typical among the black community? can they really relate to him? I love that we have a bi-racial president who has half siblings spread across several continents and who was raised in a non-traditional family. I think he more accurately reflects who we are as a nation. Gone are the days of the traditional family and traditional upbringings (if they ever truly existed). And, I am glad we have a president who reflects that. But I just don't think it's fair, to anyone, much less the black community, to hold him up as the first black president. Lets say he's the first multiracial president. I think making a big issue of his race demeans the black community. Wouldn't it be better to have a black president who more accurately reflects the black community? ..... What do I know, I'm a white kid from the red half of a blue state. It does bring up interesting questions in my mind about identity and what role culture plays in that. I spent some time on the reservation recently. The leaders in that community are trying to strengthen the cultural identity of the youth - to give them a basis from which to build some pride in themselves and in their community. But.... so many of us have lost that. Is our cultural identity important anymore? What are we losing as we lose it? I don't know much of anything about being Irish, Scottish, Swedish, French, maybe German, Welsh, and whatever else is flowing through my veins... should I? much of my biological family have close connections to their Irish - Catholic roots. It seems it provides a basis for community, for identity, a reason to connect as people. ARe we losing our reasons to connect? That is important. That is how we see God - in our connections with others. God split us into nations at the tower of Babel so that we would fill the earth. Well, I think we've done pretty well in that aspect. Maybe it's time to re-unify. What does God say about cultural divisions? off the top of my head, it seems that he seeks to unify humanity through Christ. What does that mean for how we think about our heritage and culture? What do you think? about cultural identity and it's importance in who we are as individuals, as families, as a nation...
It's about Obama defining himself as black. Honestly, this has irritated me a little. I understand what a big step this is for us as a nation to have a president that is not white, but I don't get why the black comomunity has grasped on to him so strongly. In my mind, how you define yourself has a lot to do not only with what is in your genes, but also with how you grew up - they both contribute. Obama was raised by a white single mother and his white grandparents in a wide variety of situations, but is that typical among the black community? can they really relate to him? I love that we have a bi-racial president who has half siblings spread across several continents and who was raised in a non-traditional family. I think he more accurately reflects who we are as a nation. Gone are the days of the traditional family and traditional upbringings (if they ever truly existed). And, I am glad we have a president who reflects that. But I just don't think it's fair, to anyone, much less the black community, to hold him up as the first black president. Lets say he's the first multiracial president. I think making a big issue of his race demeans the black community. Wouldn't it be better to have a black president who more accurately reflects the black community? ..... What do I know, I'm a white kid from the red half of a blue state. It does bring up interesting questions in my mind about identity and what role culture plays in that. I spent some time on the reservation recently. The leaders in that community are trying to strengthen the cultural identity of the youth - to give them a basis from which to build some pride in themselves and in their community. But.... so many of us have lost that. Is our cultural identity important anymore? What are we losing as we lose it? I don't know much of anything about being Irish, Scottish, Swedish, French, maybe German, Welsh, and whatever else is flowing through my veins... should I? much of my biological family have close connections to their Irish - Catholic roots. It seems it provides a basis for community, for identity, a reason to connect as people. ARe we losing our reasons to connect? That is important. That is how we see God - in our connections with others. God split us into nations at the tower of Babel so that we would fill the earth. Well, I think we've done pretty well in that aspect. Maybe it's time to re-unify. What does God say about cultural divisions? off the top of my head, it seems that he seeks to unify humanity through Christ. What does that mean for how we think about our heritage and culture? What do you think? about cultural identity and it's importance in who we are as individuals, as families, as a nation...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)