So, I had a huge crush on him when I was 17. By my freshman year of college we were quasi- boyfriend/girlfriend, but no one knew about it for various reasons. Then he gave my ring back and said it wasn't right. Then I continued with a disastrous relationship. Then he got into some deep shit. When he came out of is shit, I was out of my relationship. We had a conversation where he said we would never work out, but he then backtracked and said that he hadn't seen a lot of those things in me that he couldn't live wth lately. Somehow I missed the whole, we won't work out, ever, part and held on to the I haven't seen that in you lately part. So, I was conflicted and wrestling and struggling for a year. I just wanted a chance. Our friendship became my chance. I realized this summer that we really wouldn't ever work out. I realized about a month ago that I was carrying a lot of residual hate towards him for the last seven years tht I have spent waiting and loving and agonizing. I forgave him and quit treating him so badly. I know I say a lot of things about him and how I feel, but tonight he realized that I haven't been sure about how he felt for a really long time. He thought he had made it clear about a year ago- well, you know how dense I am when it comes to being rejected. So, now I know, Never means Never and he and I will never be anymore than friends. Which is fine, I'd kill him otherwise, but it's like when Gramps died (after fighting cancer for 8 years)- I'd been grieving for years, but I had to wait for the actual fact that it happened, the actual fact that I knew beyond a doubt that he wasn't interested, to truly let go and grieve. Now, oddly, I realize, he has been a really good friend to me. Just to be a friend. I am ashamed of my idiocy, of my blindness, of my hatred, of how poorly I have treated him. I am relieved most of all, mixed with some shame, some regret, and some general feelings of "I am such an idiot!"
The end of an era the turning of a page. So many of those things that have occupied my mind and heart over the last 25 years have been resolved and healed within the last year plus a few months. If I could only be in contact with my father before November 5, it would be perfect. So... I just wanted you to know. I have the privilege of turning 25 with a truly open heart. Odd.
Sunday, October 26, 2008
Monday, October 20, 2008
Family, Society and the lies we believe
I don't understand"family." My heart is full and the concept is weighing on my mind. I'm still struggling with this idea of family. The more of my biological family that i meet, the more that these assumptions I have been operating under are being challenged. Assumptions like, biology isn't that important - it's about who takes care of you and who you can depend on that matters. Much to my shock and surprise, I have some very distinct emotional connections to my biological family now that they have been brought to my conscious attention. What does that mean? My great grandpa was an attorney, my great aunt is an attorney, I have two cousins who are attorneys, and one of my bio mom's dreams has always been to go to law school. My chosen career path is an aberration in the family that raised me and yet, it is perfectly normal in the family that I share genetic material with. It honestly blows my freakin mind. It was always just about my unknown mother. Who she was, where she was. I had a family, I didn't need another one. But now, I meet this huge family of fabulous people... find out they have been thinking of me and praying for me all along. To them, it's almost like, I've come home. I was gone and now I'm back. What does that mean for me? what does that mean for the richartz/matlock families who have always treated me as one of their own. I am trying my best to just open my arms and my mind and be like woo hoo - 100 more family memebers!!! but I am nonetheless conflicted (big surprise). I have been experienceing this deep emotional connection with people that I've never felt before. meeting my aunts this summer and then spending time with them a couple weeks ago, it's like deep deep down we are linked - inextricably, unexplainably linked. I never knew you could have that kind of a connection. Is that what I've been missing all these years? and then it makes me angry. That's not fair! the matlock richartz family took care of me and did everything they could. Why couldn't I just have that connection with them? I think people who adopt do so with the intention of just taking a child and raising it as their own regardless of former ties. that day 25 years ago when my parents signed those papers, I left their families forever.... but did I? apparently not, to them. To my bio mom's family, I was one of their own.... lost, misplaced.... but still one of their own, hopefully to return someday. How do I reconcile these things? I'm angry because I feel like we've all been lied to. and I don't know how or where to find the truth anymore. what about my kids (God willing, I have some someday) in genealogies in 50 years, where will they be listed? where will I be listed? in both? to confuse some poor genealogist? is this the same person in these two separate families? I feel like everyone believes this lie that genetics, biology doesn't matter. We can buy and sell and trade children, because it only matters where they grow up and who raised them. ITS NOT TRUE! It's a damned lie. i'm not complaining- I am so thankful for more and more family. I'm thankful I can know them.... but I'm angry with society - angry that we don't take having children more seriously. Angry that we don't take our biology more seriously. Angry that we have divorced our minds and our emotions and our bodies. Nope, sorry, they are all linked - hate to tell you. What if we as a society had a more holistic approach to having children? to seeing them as part of us, not just their noses and their fingers, but their career choices and personality quirks? I don't even know how the world would be different. God is a covenantal God, from what I've been taught. He carries blessings and curses through families. we never think that means through genetic families, but it does! Really! What does that mean for us?
Don't get me wrong. I believe adoption is wonderful. I am so grateful for what I was given. I hope that I have been a blessing and I know that God works in mysterious ways and who knows what he is doing? I just think that maybe we need to, as a society, change the way we view children, families, procreation.....
I don't know who even knows this blog exists or if anyone reads it. If anyone in any of my families reads this - please don't be offended or hurt or feel negative emotions as a result! I love you and always will, regardless of my deep inner anger, frustrations, and wanderings of my mind. because, at the end of the day, my definition of family is not resigned to biology or legality, but it's about the people who I love and who love me - who I will take care of and who will take care of me - that's all that really matters.
Don't get me wrong. I believe adoption is wonderful. I am so grateful for what I was given. I hope that I have been a blessing and I know that God works in mysterious ways and who knows what he is doing? I just think that maybe we need to, as a society, change the way we view children, families, procreation.....
I don't know who even knows this blog exists or if anyone reads it. If anyone in any of my families reads this - please don't be offended or hurt or feel negative emotions as a result! I love you and always will, regardless of my deep inner anger, frustrations, and wanderings of my mind. because, at the end of the day, my definition of family is not resigned to biology or legality, but it's about the people who I love and who love me - who I will take care of and who will take care of me - that's all that really matters.
Saturday, October 4, 2008
an article
So... is it an insult or a compliment? cause it's really accurate to my friends and family, but I'm a thinking person - I'm not worried.... should I be?
Page last updated at 09:39 GMT, Saturday, 6 September 2008 10:39 UK
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Why rednecks may rule the world
By Joe Bageant Author of Deerhunting With Jesus During this US election cycle we are hearing a lot from the pundits and candidates about "heartland voters," and "white working class voters."
What they are talking about are rednecks. But in their political correctness, media types cannot bring themselves to utter the word "redneck." So I'll say it for them: redneck-redneck-redneck-redneck.
Like a Texas cowboy - delegates hang on every word
The fact is that we American rednecks embrace the term in a sort of proud defiance. To us, the term redneck indicates a culture we were born in and enjoy. So I find it very interesting that politically correct people have taken it upon themselves to protect us from what has come to be one of our own warm and light hearted terms for one another.
On the other hand, I can quite imagine their concern, given what's at stake in the upcoming election. We represent at least a third of all voters and no US president has ever been elected without our support.
Consequently, rednecks have never had so many friends or so much attention as in 2008. Contrary to the stereotype, we are not all tobacco chewing, guffawing Southerners, but are scattered from coast to coast. Over 50% of us live in the "cultural south", which is to say places with white Southern Scots-Irish values - redneck values.
We fry things nobody ever considered friable - things like cupcakes, banana sandwiches and batter dipped artificial cheese…even pickles
They include western Pennsylvania, central Missouri and southern Illinois, upstate Michigan and Minnesota, eastern Connecticut, northern New Hampshire…
So when you look at what pundits call the red state heartland, you are looking at the Republic of Redneckia.
As to having our delicate beer-sodden feelings protected from the term redneck; well, I appreciate the effort, though I highly suspect that the best way to hide snobbishness is to pose as protector of any class of folks you cannot bear. Thus we are being protected by the very people who look down on us - educated urban progressives.
And let's face it, there's plenty to look down on. By any tasteful standard, we ain't a pretty people.
Uppity and slick? Not us...
We come in one size: extra large. We are sometimes insolent and often quick to fight. We love competitive spectacle such as NASCAR and paintball, and believe gun ownership is the eleventh commandment.
We fry things nobody ever considered friable - things like cupcakes, banana sandwiches and batter dipped artificial cheese…even pickles.
Her daughter had a baby out of wedlock? Big deal. What family has not?
And most of all we are defiant and suspicious of authority, and people who are "uppity" (sophisticated) and "slick" (people who use words with more than three syllables). Two should be enough for anybody.
And that is one of the reasons that, mystifying as it is to the outside world, John McCain's choice of the moose-shooting Alaskan woman with the pregnant unmarried teen daughter appeals to many redneck and working class Americans.
We all understand that there is a political class which dominates in America, and that Sarah Palin for damned sure is not one of them. And the more she is attacked by liberal Democratic elements (translation: elite highly-educated big city people) the more America's working mooks will come to her defence. Her daughter had a baby out of wedlock? Big deal. What family has not? She is a Christian fundamentalist who believes God spat on his beefy paws and made the world in seven days? So do at least 150 million other Americans. She snowmobiles and fishes and she is a looker to boot. She's a redneck.
Guns, cars and fried food - and a defence of home
American ethos
The term redneck indicates a lifestyle and culture that can be found in every state in our union. The essentials of redneck culture were brought to America by what we call the Scots Irish, after first being shipped to the Ulster Plantation, where our, uh, remarkable cultural legacy can still be seen every 12 July in Ireland.
Ultimately, the Scots Irish have had more of an effect on the American ethos than any other immigrant group. Here are a few you will recognize:
Belief that no law is above God's law, not even the US Constitution.
Hyper patriotism. A fighting defence of native land, home and heart, even when it is not actually threatened: ie, Iraq, Panama, Grenada, Somalia, Cuba, Nicaragua, Vietnam, Haiti and dozens more with righteous operations titles such as Enduring Freedom, Restore Hope, and Just Cause.
A love of guns and tremendous respect for the warrior ideal. Along with this comes a strong sense of fealty and loyalty. Fealty to wartime leaders, whether it be FDR or George Bush.
Self effacement, humility. We are usually the butt of our own jokes, in an effort not to appear aloof among one another.
Belief that most things outside our own community and nation are inferior and threatening, that the world is jealous of the American lifestyle.
Personal pride in equality. No man, however rich or powerful, is better than me.
Perseverance and belief in hard work. If a man or a family is poor, it is because they did not work hard enough. God rewards those who work hard enough. So does the American system.
The only free country in the world is the United States, and the only reason we ever go to war is to protect that freedom.
All this has become so deeply instilled as to now be reflexive. It represents many of the worst traits in American culture and a few of the best.
And that has every thinking person here in the US, except perhaps John McCain and Sarah Palin, worried.
Very worried.
Page last updated at 09:39 GMT, Saturday, 6 September 2008 10:39 UK
E-mail this to a friend
Printable version
Why rednecks may rule the world
By Joe Bageant Author of Deerhunting With Jesus During this US election cycle we are hearing a lot from the pundits and candidates about "heartland voters," and "white working class voters."
What they are talking about are rednecks. But in their political correctness, media types cannot bring themselves to utter the word "redneck." So I'll say it for them: redneck-redneck-redneck-redneck.
Like a Texas cowboy - delegates hang on every word
The fact is that we American rednecks embrace the term in a sort of proud defiance. To us, the term redneck indicates a culture we were born in and enjoy. So I find it very interesting that politically correct people have taken it upon themselves to protect us from what has come to be one of our own warm and light hearted terms for one another.
On the other hand, I can quite imagine their concern, given what's at stake in the upcoming election. We represent at least a third of all voters and no US president has ever been elected without our support.
Consequently, rednecks have never had so many friends or so much attention as in 2008. Contrary to the stereotype, we are not all tobacco chewing, guffawing Southerners, but are scattered from coast to coast. Over 50% of us live in the "cultural south", which is to say places with white Southern Scots-Irish values - redneck values.
We fry things nobody ever considered friable - things like cupcakes, banana sandwiches and batter dipped artificial cheese…even pickles
They include western Pennsylvania, central Missouri and southern Illinois, upstate Michigan and Minnesota, eastern Connecticut, northern New Hampshire…
So when you look at what pundits call the red state heartland, you are looking at the Republic of Redneckia.
As to having our delicate beer-sodden feelings protected from the term redneck; well, I appreciate the effort, though I highly suspect that the best way to hide snobbishness is to pose as protector of any class of folks you cannot bear. Thus we are being protected by the very people who look down on us - educated urban progressives.
And let's face it, there's plenty to look down on. By any tasteful standard, we ain't a pretty people.
Uppity and slick? Not us...
We come in one size: extra large. We are sometimes insolent and often quick to fight. We love competitive spectacle such as NASCAR and paintball, and believe gun ownership is the eleventh commandment.
We fry things nobody ever considered friable - things like cupcakes, banana sandwiches and batter dipped artificial cheese…even pickles.
Her daughter had a baby out of wedlock? Big deal. What family has not?
And most of all we are defiant and suspicious of authority, and people who are "uppity" (sophisticated) and "slick" (people who use words with more than three syllables). Two should be enough for anybody.
And that is one of the reasons that, mystifying as it is to the outside world, John McCain's choice of the moose-shooting Alaskan woman with the pregnant unmarried teen daughter appeals to many redneck and working class Americans.
We all understand that there is a political class which dominates in America, and that Sarah Palin for damned sure is not one of them. And the more she is attacked by liberal Democratic elements (translation: elite highly-educated big city people) the more America's working mooks will come to her defence. Her daughter had a baby out of wedlock? Big deal. What family has not? She is a Christian fundamentalist who believes God spat on his beefy paws and made the world in seven days? So do at least 150 million other Americans. She snowmobiles and fishes and she is a looker to boot. She's a redneck.
Guns, cars and fried food - and a defence of home
American ethos
The term redneck indicates a lifestyle and culture that can be found in every state in our union. The essentials of redneck culture were brought to America by what we call the Scots Irish, after first being shipped to the Ulster Plantation, where our, uh, remarkable cultural legacy can still be seen every 12 July in Ireland.
Ultimately, the Scots Irish have had more of an effect on the American ethos than any other immigrant group. Here are a few you will recognize:
Belief that no law is above God's law, not even the US Constitution.
Hyper patriotism. A fighting defence of native land, home and heart, even when it is not actually threatened: ie, Iraq, Panama, Grenada, Somalia, Cuba, Nicaragua, Vietnam, Haiti and dozens more with righteous operations titles such as Enduring Freedom, Restore Hope, and Just Cause.
A love of guns and tremendous respect for the warrior ideal. Along with this comes a strong sense of fealty and loyalty. Fealty to wartime leaders, whether it be FDR or George Bush.
Self effacement, humility. We are usually the butt of our own jokes, in an effort not to appear aloof among one another.
Belief that most things outside our own community and nation are inferior and threatening, that the world is jealous of the American lifestyle.
Personal pride in equality. No man, however rich or powerful, is better than me.
Perseverance and belief in hard work. If a man or a family is poor, it is because they did not work hard enough. God rewards those who work hard enough. So does the American system.
The only free country in the world is the United States, and the only reason we ever go to war is to protect that freedom.
All this has become so deeply instilled as to now be reflexive. It represents many of the worst traits in American culture and a few of the best.
And that has every thinking person here in the US, except perhaps John McCain and Sarah Palin, worried.
Very worried.
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