I don't post much, especially now that I'm not in school or studying as I feel guilty posting from work (I'm on my lunch break, incidentally) and therefore since I don't have to be at a computer all day, I keep myself very busy avoiding the computer doing all those other things, mostly playing with dogs and horses and drinking and gardening and sleeping. A few thoughts inspired by seeing a woman I hadn't seen in years.
First, about Shelly. Then I'll tell you about my weekend and the amazing woman I refer to as MT mom and other mother.
 Shelly is this woman who has that quality about her that makes me incredibly intrigued. I met her at a health class when I was like, 10 or something. She befriended my mom while I sat and listened and observed her. Wide set calm blue eyes and a staid look on her face, she is simple, intelligent, empathetic, and is truly a beautiful soul. When I saw her she reminded me of so many people who I love.
I realize they all share these qualities and they all share these qualities with my biological mom. I can't help but think that I've been looking for her - my soul searching out her soul all these years. Now that I know her, somedays I almost feel that I've fallen in love with her, but not in an Electral or Oedipal kind of way, but in a soulmate kind of way. I now understand how mothers and daughters could be best friends. She is a fierce woman. (That word always brings to my mind an image of Boudicea from Celtic history, her hair streaming wildly back as she runs, flying almost, into battle in vengeance and to protect her people, her children). She has this smile that warms the depths of my soul. I look into her eyes and feel that I don't need to explain. I can tell her anything, knowing full well she will still love me. My biggest concerns are her regrets. 23 years of regrets. Her kind eyes and full smile that reaches out like a hug. Her tight, fierce hugs that make up for 23 years of missing hugs. Her wild salted auburn hair that flows back from her face. How my brothers are outspoken, liberal, hippy boys that love and accept and protect the misfortunate as if they are their own. The musical genius and eccentricity that they show. And it's not just her.
My aunts, my grandparents, some of the cousins, and even the uncles - they give me this look. It unnerved me in the beginning. Then, I understood the look. It's this look of surprise when they see her in me, this look of familiarity even though they have known me less time than some of my enemies, it's a look of possession- the moment when they realize that I am theirs. I am their cousin, niece, grandchild and I inherited a physical, emotional, intellectual birthright that nurture could not erase, but could only compliment. It's been five years and 25 days since I met her. Since I saw that backswept salted hair and felt the first fierce hug, since I felt so woefully inadequate. It's been four years since I forced myself on a 2.5 hour drive to walk into a group of 60 people who were my family, but didn't know it yet. Since then, I have been loved. I have discovered Irish Catholic Jesuit roots that explain so many of my eccentricities. I am an honorary Montanan and it shows in the way I drive, the way I drink, and the way I take on life seeing the consequences clearly, but daring them to try to slow me down. My love for law, politics, government, the environment, and for justice for all. These are my birthright and I didn't even know it. My thick hair, long legs, propensity to build muscle, womanly endowment, and the little belly that gives me fits - these are my inheritance. I could name as many things that I have gained from my raising. I could name things that I have inherited from the quiet, thoughtful man who is my birth father, such as my blue eyes, my reddish blonde curly hair, my nose, my tendency to pause and slightly stutter my way through conversations. But, as my maternal family is just that, maternal, and they were first, these things strike me most then. I am overwhelmed by the emotion I feel, the care, the protection, the easy hugs. Sometimes, a weekend with them is like a down comforter and I just want to sleep.
All of these things that have changed since those days when I sat quietly and observed Shelly came rushing at me when I caught her eyes today. She looked at me as I looked at her, a faint recognition in her eyes. I didn't return it. I couldn't return the recognition as I didn't know what to say, how to describe why I knew her. For, I feel I know her more deeply than anyone could ever explain. I can't wait to get to heaven and ask God how that works. It's not all genetic, or environmental, but we have spiritual connections, emotional connections that feel as if they stretch back beyond the aeons into another time, another place, another creation. Those are the people I treasure most. I am so blessed.