WTF God?

I've been struggling the last few days. I made a decision to stay at home and work part time for an attorney and study to re-take the bar. Not take the job that would be fun and exciting and live on my own in the city. I've been asking God what He's doing? I had this vision for my future. Clerkship, counsel for the Legislature, some kind of respected rad job. My future has recently taken on a totally different cast. Working at a desk hidden in an office, living a mediocre life in a small town. So, I've been depressed. Today in church, I was on my knees and I realized (or God told me) that I'm here for a reason. I've always felt that strongly. God puts us all where we are supposed to be, but I feel like in my case it's more obvious. This isn't a mistake. I continually pray that God will use me to glorify and accomplish his will. So, here I am, back in the small town, with friends saying they're glad I'm not leaving again. I guess it's time that I try to figure out why I'm here instead of where I thought I would be. What am I supposed to be doing while I'm here? That is the question.

Chapters

I'm often musing about new beginnings, but really how many new beginnings does one get? So, maybe it's more like chapters...stations in a buffet line.... stations in an assembly line?
When I received my birth certificate in the mail, I freaked out. I’m not sure what I thought it held, but I freaked out. As a result, Andi, the chaplain took it and put it in her desk. This was right before finals…. In the year before this moment, my only girlfriend had broke it off with me, my brother had moved home after his long term girl kicked him out, my parents weren’t speaking and I had taken the LSAT and had one semester left in college. She thought it was bad timing. So, it sat in her desk drawer all through Christmas break and then through Jan term, as she was in south Africa. So, it was early in second semester – first part of February…. I opened the envelope, Andi sitting across from me, annoyed, I’m sure. I immediately wept. Neither of us really understood why. I think, now, that it was the anticipation, the severe disappointment that it was real, I was adopted…. Bitter painful tears.
So, I feel right now how I felt before opening that letter. Amazing how opening a letter can change the tide of your life. Opening that letter led to that picture that I received about a month ago. What a miraculous journey from the Spring of 2006 to the Fall of 2011. 5 years and a lifetime of emotions and all these beautiful souls I didn't know before.
So, here I prepare to open another letter. It’s really not that big of a deal, but it means the completion of 4 years of the hardest shit I’ve endured…. Stress, temptation, anxiety, sorrow, disappointment, etc. All for this letter. And it will say I passed and can get licensed and start a new (?) life. Or it will say that I didn’t pass either part. Most likely, I passed the substantive and didn’t pass the PR. Which means I have some studying to do and life gets to be on held even longer, but not really. Nothing in life is clean cut. It’s all dragged out emotion and jagged edges.
So, now it comes down to waiting for the mail and refreshing my browser. Cheers.

Intentionality

I just had a thought.... Should we judge others people's actions by their intentions? or by how those actions affect us and others? I do my best to judge by intentions. But, then again, isn't that rather presuppositional? I presume that I know your intentions so that I don't feel as bad about the shitty thing you just did to me? That does not make sense. So, do I judge your actions by how I feel rejected and injured? But, if that's not what you intended, that isn't fair either.... Thoughts?

Spring?

1/23/11
I thought it was 01 for a second... trippy

I don’t have time right now, but I wanted to write a little. I fell asleep on the futon again.... woke up about 5:30 – went to bed. Never really went back to sleep. Been thinking for the last two hours. Thinking about how I feel ready to kick ass these days – maybe I’m in the manic phase of my not quite manic depression. Ever since last weekend, I’m ready to take on the world – I don’t know maybe I’m pissed off, angry, frustrated – but I don’t feel like that. I just feel motivated and ready.
I’ve been thinking about life since college. The ebbs and flows. I mostly remember the good times, knowing full well that a lot of it has been overly stressful and not great. The good times have been great though. And the bad times- Thanks to the grace of God and really good friends – I’ve coped. It’s those recovery periods. The last 7 months of my life... I don’t know how to do that very well – you can’t schedule it, you can’t control it, you can’t decide when it’s over.... It just hits, like hitting mud when you were on a highway.
It feels like spring this morning. As it got light, I heard ducks/geese, then I started hearing other birds and this cool breeze hit my face. But it’s no longer cool with the threat of cold – it’s cool in expectation of the sun.
Pride and Joy – I want to send my dad the lyrics to that song. It explains everything. I just don’t think he’d get it.
This is an upswing – this last month has had some new lows, but I think we’re on the upswing. My brother hit the tipping point and is now actively recovering. My mom.... I think the good days are balancing the bad days. And I’m on my way out of college life... on to new things, or a new period of old things- today feels like a new beginning.... not for any real reason.... maybe it’s the air... the feel of spring.... restless, motivated, ready to get shit done!

Cheers!