"I'd make such a good statistic, someone study me now, someone has to be interested in how I feel, just because I'm here and I'm real."
I just realized that no one reads my blog. Made me feel like there's no point in writing. But, then I realized I should write more often if I want anyone to read my blog and also, I don't write because someone wants to read it. I write because it's a release.
Thoughts I've had:
Turning my back on empty darkness makes me want to cry and scream and run inside to the light. Closing my eyes in murky water makes me feel the same way.
My brother is a hurricane. I'm not sure what I am, but the opposite of a hurricane.
I like gardening. Digging in dirt, disturbing worms, nurturing pretty things, digging out undesirables.
I also like fire. Burning the dead. Releasing carbon into the atmosphere. Clearing the way for new things.
Divorce is death. It involves grief, mourning, disposal of belongings.
I don't know how to balance compassion and not enabling someone to mental illness. How do you love someone?
More importantly, how do you forgive someone when you're not even sure what you've lost? She says he's my father- you've lost your father. I just want to say, he's not my father, my father's in Seattle. He was my daddy, but I don't need/want a daddy anymore and he doesn't need/want to be a daddy. So. now what?
We busted our asses for two days. All she can say, "why would that bastard leave me?"
She says he was so ungrateful for all that she did. She says he was so selfish when he left her.
I want her to be well. I want her to forgive. I want her to see hope. But, she doesn't want to. So, what am I supposed to do? She says she doesn't know what to do. Well, neither do I.
ooo - more importantly, I figured out something about the whole crazy thing. I say some people are crazy. People say I am crazy, but I am not crazy like they are crazy and I'm afraid of being crazy like they are crazy, but I welcome my craziness. I am unconventional. I do things that people don't expect, that possibly shouldn't be done. I make very rational decisions, but sometimes they are very unexpected and not what people expect. They are irrational, thinking in loops, making decisions based on fleeting emotions and random ideas. That is crazy to me. Repeating themselves constantly and yet remembering every little detail from an argument 25 years ago. That's the difference. Next time someone tells me I'm crazy, I'm going to ask if I am unconventional or irrational. There's a HUGE difference.
She's had insomnia lately. I'm tempted to stay up late just to meet her in that dark quiet hour in hopes of a profound conversation. I realized the other night, when I talk to myself, I talk about philosophies and politics and big ideas. I want to have those kinds of conversations with other people, that's why I get so frustrated with nominal conversations about people and events. I don't even talk about that shit with myself. Why would I want to talk about it with you?
Having made that incredibly arrogant statement, I don't mean to imply that I am better, more intellectual, more intelligent. I just like different things. I am wired differently.
The more we enable, the less empowered she feels. So, then what?
Done.
