I don't post much, especially now that I'm not in school or studying as I feel guilty posting from work (I'm on my lunch break, incidentally) and therefore since I don't have to be at a computer all day, I keep myself very busy avoiding the computer doing all those other things, mostly playing with dogs and horses and drinking and gardening and sleeping. A few thoughts inspired by seeing a woman I hadn't seen in years.
First, about Shelly. Then I'll tell you about my weekend and the amazing woman I refer to as MT mom and other mother.
 Shelly is this woman who has that quality about her that makes me incredibly intrigued. I met her at a health class when I was like, 10 or something. She befriended my mom while I sat and listened and observed her. Wide set calm blue eyes and a staid look on her face, she is simple, intelligent, empathetic, and is truly a beautiful soul. When I saw her she reminded me of so many people who I love.
I realize they all share these qualities and they all share these qualities with my biological mom. I can't help but think that I've been looking for her - my soul searching out her soul all these years. Now that I know her, somedays I almost feel that I've fallen in love with her, but not in an Electral or Oedipal kind of way, but in a soulmate kind of way. I now understand how mothers and daughters could be best friends. She is a fierce woman. (That word always brings to my mind an image of Boudicea from Celtic history, her hair streaming wildly back as she runs, flying almost, into battle in vengeance and to protect her people, her children). She has this smile that warms the depths of my soul. I look into her eyes and feel that I don't need to explain. I can tell her anything, knowing full well she will still love me. My biggest concerns are her regrets. 23 years of regrets. Her kind eyes and full smile that reaches out like a hug. Her tight, fierce hugs that make up for 23 years of missing hugs. Her wild salted auburn hair that flows back from her face. How my brothers are outspoken, liberal, hippy boys that love and accept and protect the misfortunate as if they are their own. The musical genius and eccentricity that they show. And it's not just her.
My aunts, my grandparents, some of the cousins, and even the uncles - they give me this look. It unnerved me in the beginning. Then, I understood the look. It's this look of surprise when they see her in me, this look of familiarity even though they have known me less time than some of my enemies, it's a look of possession- the moment when they realize that I am theirs. I am their cousin, niece, grandchild and I inherited a physical, emotional, intellectual birthright that nurture could not erase, but could only compliment. It's been five years and 25 days since I met her. Since I saw that backswept salted hair and felt the first fierce hug, since I felt so woefully inadequate. It's been four years since I forced myself on a 2.5 hour drive to walk into a group of 60 people who were my family, but didn't know it yet. Since then, I have been loved. I have discovered Irish Catholic Jesuit roots that explain so many of my eccentricities. I am an honorary Montanan and it shows in the way I drive, the way I drink, and the way I take on life seeing the consequences clearly, but daring them to try to slow me down. My love for law, politics, government, the environment, and for justice for all. These are my birthright and I didn't even know it. My thick hair, long legs, propensity to build muscle, womanly endowment, and the little belly that gives me fits - these are my inheritance. I could name as many things that I have gained from my raising. I could name things that I have inherited from the quiet, thoughtful man who is my birth father, such as my blue eyes, my reddish blonde curly hair, my nose, my tendency to pause and slightly stutter my way through conversations. But, as my maternal family is just that, maternal, and they were first, these things strike me most then. I am overwhelmed by the emotion I feel, the care, the protection, the easy hugs. Sometimes, a weekend with them is like a down comforter and I just want to sleep.
All of these things that have changed since those days when I sat quietly and observed Shelly came rushing at me when I caught her eyes today. She looked at me as I looked at her, a faint recognition in her eyes. I didn't return it. I couldn't return the recognition as I didn't know what to say, how to describe why I knew her. For, I feel I know her more deeply than anyone could ever explain. I can't wait to get to heaven and ask God how that works. It's not all genetic, or environmental, but we have spiritual connections, emotional connections that feel as if they stretch back beyond the aeons into another time, another place, another creation. Those are the people I treasure most. I am so blessed.

LMFAO

So, I just realized recently that I could have taken said dream job with said dream boss (incidentally I'm house sittin for and can't stop thinking about what the funeral is going to be about - I have issues) and retaken the FING bar exam in July. ??? Why didnt' I do that??? Best of both worlds, hello? I assume God kept that little tid bit idea out of my little brain for a reason...I like my job. The office is always a good time as my boss and his wife have immensely inappropriate sense of humor. For example, he keeps asking me to draw up my dad's contempt orders and I keep telling him no. This makes his wife giggle and him apologize. Then he does it again. Alas, the life I lead.
I wanted to write this blog to protest the Elmo version of "i'm sexy and I know it"
The part that bugs me the most is "I walk into the room and Drawer and Mr. Noodle are staring at me."
OK. Drawer -- whatever, it's elmo.
Mr. Noodle? OMG, it's a middle-aged man with bad style and a really bad comb-over. Elmo's like a kid, right? and there's a middle-aged man staring through a porthole of some sort in his wall when he walks into the room? not to mention Mr. NOODLE? Euphemism anyone?
I got to admit, the thing made me laugh really hard. "I make art!" But, Mr. Noodle watching when little kid-like Elmo walks into the room set off my pedophile alarm bells. No kids, it is not ok for Mr. Noodle to watch you. EVER! or touch you or make you do things that your little kid conscience rebels against.
So, sorry if this just took a fun song and ruined it for you. Welcome to my little world - lawyers joking about me taking a swan dive off the fine line tightrope I'm walking and little furry creatures talking about Mr. Noodle watching them. No wonder I have crazy dreams....

WTF God?

I've been struggling the last few days. I made a decision to stay at home and work part time for an attorney and study to re-take the bar. Not take the job that would be fun and exciting and live on my own in the city. I've been asking God what He's doing? I had this vision for my future. Clerkship, counsel for the Legislature, some kind of respected rad job. My future has recently taken on a totally different cast. Working at a desk hidden in an office, living a mediocre life in a small town. So, I've been depressed. Today in church, I was on my knees and I realized (or God told me) that I'm here for a reason. I've always felt that strongly. God puts us all where we are supposed to be, but I feel like in my case it's more obvious. This isn't a mistake. I continually pray that God will use me to glorify and accomplish his will. So, here I am, back in the small town, with friends saying they're glad I'm not leaving again. I guess it's time that I try to figure out why I'm here instead of where I thought I would be. What am I supposed to be doing while I'm here? That is the question.

Chapters

I'm often musing about new beginnings, but really how many new beginnings does one get? So, maybe it's more like chapters...stations in a buffet line.... stations in an assembly line?
When I received my birth certificate in the mail, I freaked out. I’m not sure what I thought it held, but I freaked out. As a result, Andi, the chaplain took it and put it in her desk. This was right before finals…. In the year before this moment, my only girlfriend had broke it off with me, my brother had moved home after his long term girl kicked him out, my parents weren’t speaking and I had taken the LSAT and had one semester left in college. She thought it was bad timing. So, it sat in her desk drawer all through Christmas break and then through Jan term, as she was in south Africa. So, it was early in second semester – first part of February…. I opened the envelope, Andi sitting across from me, annoyed, I’m sure. I immediately wept. Neither of us really understood why. I think, now, that it was the anticipation, the severe disappointment that it was real, I was adopted…. Bitter painful tears.
So, I feel right now how I felt before opening that letter. Amazing how opening a letter can change the tide of your life. Opening that letter led to that picture that I received about a month ago. What a miraculous journey from the Spring of 2006 to the Fall of 2011. 5 years and a lifetime of emotions and all these beautiful souls I didn't know before.
So, here I prepare to open another letter. It’s really not that big of a deal, but it means the completion of 4 years of the hardest shit I’ve endured…. Stress, temptation, anxiety, sorrow, disappointment, etc. All for this letter. And it will say I passed and can get licensed and start a new (?) life. Or it will say that I didn’t pass either part. Most likely, I passed the substantive and didn’t pass the PR. Which means I have some studying to do and life gets to be on held even longer, but not really. Nothing in life is clean cut. It’s all dragged out emotion and jagged edges.
So, now it comes down to waiting for the mail and refreshing my browser. Cheers.

Intentionality

I just had a thought.... Should we judge others people's actions by their intentions? or by how those actions affect us and others? I do my best to judge by intentions. But, then again, isn't that rather presuppositional? I presume that I know your intentions so that I don't feel as bad about the shitty thing you just did to me? That does not make sense. So, do I judge your actions by how I feel rejected and injured? But, if that's not what you intended, that isn't fair either.... Thoughts?

Spring?

1/23/11
I thought it was 01 for a second... trippy

I don’t have time right now, but I wanted to write a little. I fell asleep on the futon again.... woke up about 5:30 – went to bed. Never really went back to sleep. Been thinking for the last two hours. Thinking about how I feel ready to kick ass these days – maybe I’m in the manic phase of my not quite manic depression. Ever since last weekend, I’m ready to take on the world – I don’t know maybe I’m pissed off, angry, frustrated – but I don’t feel like that. I just feel motivated and ready.
I’ve been thinking about life since college. The ebbs and flows. I mostly remember the good times, knowing full well that a lot of it has been overly stressful and not great. The good times have been great though. And the bad times- Thanks to the grace of God and really good friends – I’ve coped. It’s those recovery periods. The last 7 months of my life... I don’t know how to do that very well – you can’t schedule it, you can’t control it, you can’t decide when it’s over.... It just hits, like hitting mud when you were on a highway.
It feels like spring this morning. As it got light, I heard ducks/geese, then I started hearing other birds and this cool breeze hit my face. But it’s no longer cool with the threat of cold – it’s cool in expectation of the sun.
Pride and Joy – I want to send my dad the lyrics to that song. It explains everything. I just don’t think he’d get it.
This is an upswing – this last month has had some new lows, but I think we’re on the upswing. My brother hit the tipping point and is now actively recovering. My mom.... I think the good days are balancing the bad days. And I’m on my way out of college life... on to new things, or a new period of old things- today feels like a new beginning.... not for any real reason.... maybe it’s the air... the feel of spring.... restless, motivated, ready to get shit done!

Cheers!

November 15, a day which shall live in infamy

November 15, 2010
A year ago today, my dad left my mom. A month ago today, their divorce was final. Within a week, he was remarried. Last week, my mom officially declared her dating status. So, within a year, I went from being a grad student of parents who never divorced, to having to deal with all the bullshit of a split family. What to do about the holidays? Do I talk to him? Do I spend time with his family? Etc.
Law school has always felt like a refining fire. This last year felt like being dipped in plasma. But, I can see so much good that has come out of it. My mom is a better person – snapped out of the daily drama. My brother, I worry about. He has grown jaded and angry. God has made me better, though. He has humbled me and forced me to work very hard. Right now, I feel like any new lessons and abilities to concentrate and focus are totally out the window. As Senator Bob says, I’m soured. However, I am confident it is for the best. My friendships have been refined. I’ve come to terms, to a certain extent, with my sexuality and how I am going to live out my life and how that correlates with my life in the church community. The challenge is to stay, not to run away. I do think I’ve changed in ways that I’m not sure are good. I’m more abrupt, more bold, less inhibited, more confident, more stubborn, more apathetic. You know how a good swim makes you feel refreshed, but simultaneously utterly exhausted? I think that is how I feel. And now, many of my law school friends graduated and left and some more leaving soon and me transitioning soon. I put on my facebook- “the end of the beginning.” Sometimes I’m annoyed with people I care about. They lack a certain depth. Lori says the end of what beginning? Never mind. If you don’t get it, I don’t want to try to explain. This last year was the beginning of a new beginning. Today marks the end of the beginning. When dad walked out, God threw me out a window into a new level of adulthood. Within the next year, I will write a thesis, take the bar exam, learn to cope with changing relationships, hopefully get a job and start the next phase of my life.
Oddly, after Barb’s stern email last week, I feel motivated. She said to shoot for 30-40 hours a week. So, I’m shooting for 8 hours a day. A goal. All I needed, perhaps, was a goal. Or for this day to come, or to get my apartment settled – completely. Or just a month off from driving home.... Or that sense of urgency that comes with hitting the latter part of the semester, or more medication. Or, all of the above. Regardless... I’m working, focusing and today, walking back from student health, I decided I was going to finish a master’s thesis by May. It will be a somewhat remarkable feat, but I bet I can do it. I’m willing to rise to the challenge. Again, I’m not sure what changed. Maybe someone prayed a little extra for me. Maybe I confessed my apathy..... I’m really not sure what changed. But, I’m willing to wake up tomorrow and start anew. 27, divorced parents, grad student, coffee drinker. (the latter, I think, will be essential to surviving the next six months.
Oo – I just realized, in six months, I will be graduated. This really is a milestone. Today. Right now. Tomorrow is the first day of the next era and I am thankful. This realization makes me excited, refreshed, etc. I tried to feel like this at each small milestone through this divorce, but I didn’t feel it – it was hollow. Today, I feel wholly ready for the next big thing.