Sunshine, peach cigars, Chopin Preludes and Nocturnes, red-winged blackbirds, mauve sky in the gloaming, a story of an ending, but never a beginning.
Why can’t I make up stories about the beginnings of relationships? I tried, but it felt fake. The ending I can picture perfectly. I am always thinking about endings. This will not end well. Why do something when you know it will not end well. Why can’t I see beginnings? What were their names in my head ? Jane, the friend in Vancouver. Sarah – the one who would be everything I couldn’t be. Maybe because it’s a recurring theme – a story that has a myriad beginnings but always the same ending.
Monday, March 1, 2010
Le Mort
Unedited...
We carry baggage with us
Belongings of others
Other people
Other lifetimes
Other loves
Other losses
We inherit these things
In an effort to avoid
Those lives passing without memoriam
They pass through our hands
To our children
They live in boxes
meaning too much to be disposed of
This was a death
I offered my hair to this death
Absence
Sorting through the belongings
Categorizing
Dividing
Do you want this?
Do you want that?
That teacup
The bible
The constructing tools
No longer useful
Keepsakes
Memories of people long past
As if the keepsakes, the belongings carry the memories
Unaccessible
But still there
Like we wish the owners were.
Eventually, they don’t mean anything anymore
Some host from some tv show sells it in a garage sale
Does it lose its memories
Or just continue collecting in a new venue
Memories buried
In emotion
In a garage
In the dirt
Dissolving
Or waiting to be accessed
By some hopeful archeologist
In an effort to recover
Memories
What of the relationships without their people anymore
Two rings, a garter
Symbols of death.
We carry baggage with us
Belongings of others
Other people
Other lifetimes
Other loves
Other losses
We inherit these things
In an effort to avoid
Those lives passing without memoriam
They pass through our hands
To our children
They live in boxes
meaning too much to be disposed of
This was a death
I offered my hair to this death
Absence
Sorting through the belongings
Categorizing
Dividing
Do you want this?
Do you want that?
That teacup
The bible
The constructing tools
No longer useful
Keepsakes
Memories of people long past
As if the keepsakes, the belongings carry the memories
Unaccessible
But still there
Like we wish the owners were.
Eventually, they don’t mean anything anymore
Some host from some tv show sells it in a garage sale
Does it lose its memories
Or just continue collecting in a new venue
Memories buried
In emotion
In a garage
In the dirt
Dissolving
Or waiting to be accessed
By some hopeful archeologist
In an effort to recover
Memories
What of the relationships without their people anymore
Two rings, a garter
Symbols of death.
Update
I've been working out 2-4 days a week - weights, cardio. Gained 3 pounds, but the belly is shrinking and I feel strong! Yay!
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Fall 2009
I went running tonight - well, my version of running is to run about 5 blocks, then walk about 5, then run, then stand there and try to figure out which way to go next... you get the picture. Anyway, i was driving to and from walmart smoking a cigarette and the mist inspired me. I used to run in Olympia around the cul-de-sac in this kind of weather - it was glorious. Quiet, peaceful, cool. So, I went out in it thinking it was unwise, but I did it anyway.
I was impressed that I could run farther then I used to be able to and wasn't nearly as miserable as I used to be. I would have thought five months of sitting on my ass would have been harder on my fitness.
I wasn't just lazy. First, I got the swine flu. Then, I sprained my ankle - very much badly. I still rode my bike to school though, until I slipped on some ice and almost cried because of the pain in my sore ankle. Then, I met my father, lost an undefined relationship, came down with mono, my daddy left my mommy, and my mommy left her sanity behind, then I had finals, then two papers worth of a Christmas break. This is the third week of the new semester and I feel like I'm on a new journey.
I want to be healthy - I want to eat healthy and exercise and get good counsel and not engage in destructive behavior. This is who I want to be. Last semester was the end of a lot of things. This semester, this year, is a new beginning in almost every aspect of my life. A new direction in my education, parameters on my inheritance, new relationship with my parents, new priorities, new challenges. Cheers.
I was impressed that I could run farther then I used to be able to and wasn't nearly as miserable as I used to be. I would have thought five months of sitting on my ass would have been harder on my fitness.
I wasn't just lazy. First, I got the swine flu. Then, I sprained my ankle - very much badly. I still rode my bike to school though, until I slipped on some ice and almost cried because of the pain in my sore ankle. Then, I met my father, lost an undefined relationship, came down with mono, my daddy left my mommy, and my mommy left her sanity behind, then I had finals, then two papers worth of a Christmas break. This is the third week of the new semester and I feel like I'm on a new journey.
I want to be healthy - I want to eat healthy and exercise and get good counsel and not engage in destructive behavior. This is who I want to be. Last semester was the end of a lot of things. This semester, this year, is a new beginning in almost every aspect of my life. A new direction in my education, parameters on my inheritance, new relationship with my parents, new priorities, new challenges. Cheers.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Daydreaming
I get strong feelings about people sometimes. Like, I can't get them off of my mind for days on end. I assume this means they need prayer, or they are thinking about me and I should make an effort and connect with them.
She's been on my mind a lot yesterday and today. I'm not sure why. The primary daydream has been one of me not giving in. Maybe it's this book I'm reading her. How the main character screams her name at me. and, I'm listening to Coldplay.
The song I listened to on my way to our first meeting seemed so perfect. Yet, at the time, the song afterwords, Warning Sign, always seemed more appropriate. I wanted to like "Green Eyes", but "warning sign" always seemed better. In the end, you guess which one makes the most sense. Shoulda known.
If she gets too tired, and mercy and grace kick in in unexpected ways, this is what I will do.
Take off. yes, that is what I want. A week or two in Seattle, Olympia, Port Townsend, a week in Portland, a week or two in Boise, A week or two in Albuquerque, a few months in New Zealand (assuming my dear friend goes through with it and I can go with), come back to DC and hang (coerce someone into giving me a job), then to Billings, Helena, maybe Bozeman. Then to North Idaho to recuperate (beg for a place to sleep in a cabin or a stable). From there to Spokane to write resumes and apply for forever kind of jobs. And then home, where all will be well once more. Basically, I want to travel to the people who I love and heal, slowly. Then maybe I'll write a book - about taking lots of pictures - telling stories - camping out and living out of my car, taking random bartending and table waiting jobs inspite of my expensive education.
This is my plan. Keep in mind that what you want to be rarely will be, sometimes it's the next thing that you land on.
She's been on my mind a lot yesterday and today. I'm not sure why. The primary daydream has been one of me not giving in. Maybe it's this book I'm reading her. How the main character screams her name at me. and, I'm listening to Coldplay.
The song I listened to on my way to our first meeting seemed so perfect. Yet, at the time, the song afterwords, Warning Sign, always seemed more appropriate. I wanted to like "Green Eyes", but "warning sign" always seemed better. In the end, you guess which one makes the most sense. Shoulda known.
If she gets too tired, and mercy and grace kick in in unexpected ways, this is what I will do.
Take off. yes, that is what I want. A week or two in Seattle, Olympia, Port Townsend, a week in Portland, a week or two in Boise, A week or two in Albuquerque, a few months in New Zealand (assuming my dear friend goes through with it and I can go with), come back to DC and hang (coerce someone into giving me a job), then to Billings, Helena, maybe Bozeman. Then to North Idaho to recuperate (beg for a place to sleep in a cabin or a stable). From there to Spokane to write resumes and apply for forever kind of jobs. And then home, where all will be well once more. Basically, I want to travel to the people who I love and heal, slowly. Then maybe I'll write a book - about taking lots of pictures - telling stories - camping out and living out of my car, taking random bartending and table waiting jobs inspite of my expensive education.
This is my plan. Keep in mind that what you want to be rarely will be, sometimes it's the next thing that you land on.
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
coffeeshop
I feel strong conflicting emotions.
Friendships aren't what I thought they were. Confused.
There are a few people in my life who I love. Wholly, truly, in a way I don't even understand. I want them to find someone who loves them as much and more and better than I do. Oftentimes when they meet these people, I try to help. I understand the people I love and I want the ones who love them to understand too. Makes for strange conversations.
Impetuous, passionate, fierce - Hold on! it's worth it! hold on through the fights - through the depression - through the anger, hold your love loosely, but hold on!
Sweet, devoted, unstable, loyal, kind to a fault, will fight and be mean until you stand up for yourself - it's worth it! Sit through the bad nights, be there on the good days, be stable for the instability, stand up for yourself, stand up for your love - it's worth it.
Intense, high-speed, unstable, a doer, a protector, your knight in shining armor - hold on through the yelling, duck the thrown objects, be there the next morning when vision has cleared, love anyway, love being protected, do your part - it's worth it.
Both of them are mine - they say they wouldn't be one if it wasn't for me - I said forgive, love, see the why instead of the what - it's worth it.
They are mine, but not like they are yours. They are mine in an inscrutable, indefinable way. I have been where you are, it wasn't meant to be - I'm not enough, or at least, I'm not just right or I had another place to fill - I can't explain. I have too many roadblocks.However,they are still mine and I will do whatever I can to make you theirs as long as possible - maybe someday you will be mine too.
Friendships aren't what I thought they were. Confused.
There are a few people in my life who I love. Wholly, truly, in a way I don't even understand. I want them to find someone who loves them as much and more and better than I do. Oftentimes when they meet these people, I try to help. I understand the people I love and I want the ones who love them to understand too. Makes for strange conversations.
Impetuous, passionate, fierce - Hold on! it's worth it! hold on through the fights - through the depression - through the anger, hold your love loosely, but hold on!
Sweet, devoted, unstable, loyal, kind to a fault, will fight and be mean until you stand up for yourself - it's worth it! Sit through the bad nights, be there on the good days, be stable for the instability, stand up for yourself, stand up for your love - it's worth it.
Intense, high-speed, unstable, a doer, a protector, your knight in shining armor - hold on through the yelling, duck the thrown objects, be there the next morning when vision has cleared, love anyway, love being protected, do your part - it's worth it.
Both of them are mine - they say they wouldn't be one if it wasn't for me - I said forgive, love, see the why instead of the what - it's worth it.
They are mine, but not like they are yours. They are mine in an inscrutable, indefinable way. I have been where you are, it wasn't meant to be - I'm not enough, or at least, I'm not just right or I had another place to fill - I can't explain. I have too many roadblocks.However,they are still mine and I will do whatever I can to make you theirs as long as possible - maybe someday you will be mine too.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Confusion
I distinctly remember looking at the clock before I went to bed. 1/19/2010.
That means when I woke up it should have been 1/20/2010. No. It was still 1/19/2010. I was lost for most of the day. I guess that is what happens when you go to bed in the wee hours of the morning.
Damn her for introducing me to Marlboro No. 27. Pipes take too long to smoke. Cigars and cigarillos smell weird. Marb reds are too harsh. Marb mediums and Marb lights have no flavor. But Blend No. 27 has flavor without the burn. Dangerous.
Looking for apartments. I'm excited. My own place, really. I can decorate, have parties, have company. It's all I dream about.
I was explaining tonight that the voices have started again. As soon as I try to sleep, there's this constant conversation in my head. It stopped a couple weeks ago when I actually tried to listen to what was being said and respond. But, the voices are back. It's just when I sleep. I think it's my subconscious trying to process - there's just not enough time betwee 3 and 9 am to get it all out.
See - I'm okay! really! :)
That means when I woke up it should have been 1/20/2010. No. It was still 1/19/2010. I was lost for most of the day. I guess that is what happens when you go to bed in the wee hours of the morning.
Damn her for introducing me to Marlboro No. 27. Pipes take too long to smoke. Cigars and cigarillos smell weird. Marb reds are too harsh. Marb mediums and Marb lights have no flavor. But Blend No. 27 has flavor without the burn. Dangerous.
Looking for apartments. I'm excited. My own place, really. I can decorate, have parties, have company. It's all I dream about.
I was explaining tonight that the voices have started again. As soon as I try to sleep, there's this constant conversation in my head. It stopped a couple weeks ago when I actually tried to listen to what was being said and respond. But, the voices are back. It's just when I sleep. I think it's my subconscious trying to process - there's just not enough time betwee 3 and 9 am to get it all out.
See - I'm okay! really! :)
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