numb

I am out of outlets. i am tired of journaling - trying to be cautious of Facebook posts. So, here we go - angry rants out to who knows who.

I feel numb. I feel used. I feel like I have been lied to. I feel like I have been betrayed. I feel like everything in the world that I used to hold as true is hollow. I feel hollow - like the person I think I am is no longer who I am.
I have no one to be angry with except myself. Well, I have a right to be angry with him. My father - no. not my father. My daddy - the one who is supposed to be my knight in shining honor - a Gollum, a coward, who doesn't have the courage or respect to be honest with me. Kind of like someone else in my life. But I deserved the latter, it is about me. The former isn't. The former is about a series of tragedies that I was sucked into - like the pirate ship into the whirlpool. The latter is like Jack Sparrow into the Krakon's mouth. I should have asked, I should have known, I am so naive sometimes in spite of my best efforts to the contrary. Ironic. Yesterday, my happy place, the one person who had given me what I needed today is the one who I feel most betrayed by, sickened by.
The book was supposed to be cathartic, but I am so angry - it just annoys me.

I am not myself. My music does not soothe me - Brandi and Ani fail me now - I'm not in that deep spirit, deep mellow depression. I am ready for action, i am frustrated and angry and annoyed - I need movement, I need to not be me anymore. I need to be that person who I always thought I was now. Leave my bullshit behind. Leave my childish desires and fantasies behind. They were the movie - this is the reality. A harder colder lonelier less romantic reality. Thankfully. I can't stand the romantic, yellow light, warm fuzziness, encompassing as the warmth of blankets darkness, sadness anymore. Give me cold clean powerful anger - let it flow through me like raw power - like wizards fire and let it consume everyone in my path who can't withstand it.
i always regret it. I always hurt people when I'm like this. That makes me madder - why can't they stand it? why can't they love me anyway? because they are human... just like me. Because they are weak, just like me. Because they aren't made of steel - they are made of softer silver and gold.
I'm sorry.
I have no one to blame but me, the one person I can never manage to forgive.
She was trying to convince me to be transparent. I was on this honesty kick for a while - wizards fire. Then I realized that people can't withstand transparency and wizard's fire. It causes them to see themselves - it isn't grace. It doesn't love in spite of faults - it reveals truth.
Conditional honesty. She says that is arrogant. No, it is acknowledging that when someone loves you, you have a duty not to hurt them needlessly.
Confession is supposed to make you feel clean. Confession has led to discomfort, and opened the door to unmentionables, it has created a community, but created peer pressure.
I am what I am - my life is not my own - my humanity and god's divinity have created in me a walking contradiction.
I'm sorry. Thanks for your advice, but you don't understand.
Each of you has a piece of me. Your advice is based on the piece you know and love. But there are other pieces which weigh against me. Maybe someday I will choose a single path and follow it to the exclusion of these other paths, to the exclusion of some of you. Maybe God will let you exclude me, so I don't have to suffer the guilt.
Or, he will teach me to forgive myself. I have a funny feeling he's going to make me do it the hard way.
Alas, 2 am, still nothing done. But I have expressed myself - funny, before last week I couldn't write... .didn't have anything to say. Now I am saying lots of things, without speaking anything worthwhile.
No, it won't ever be over. Learn to cope, to deal, to live with this. Get it out of your head the best you can, then move on.

What did the dear cousin put on my wall today? "In three words, i can sum up everything I have learned in life: It Goes On."

God is good, Beer is great, People are crazy.
Fear God and Keep his commandments for this is the end of man.
Do Justice, Love Mercy, Walk humbly with thy god.
Be Strong and of good courage, for I am the Lord Thy God who brought you out of Egypt.
Love the Lord thy God with thy heart, soul, and mind and love thy neighbor as thyself.
Paul and Silas praised God around midnight and their prison was broken.
Dear God, This sucks, it's my fault - I'm sorry, Help Me. thank you.

Here god, this is what I want and I'm going there unless you tell me otherwise. Guide my steps.
Dear God, Thank you for another day. May your will be done. In Jesus name, Amen.

I discovered the day after Christmas that I am capable of feeling emotions strong enough to make me physically sick to my stomach. that's never really happened before.
Well, that's not true. It hasn't happened in a really long time.
Someone told me that your parents splitting up is a life-defining moment. You know, that period of time that you measure all other time against. That was before, or after. Right now, I can think of three, well, four defining moments in my life. My grandma dying, the two year period I was in a relationship, opening my birth certificate and the ensuing process of searching for and finding my bio. parents, and this. There have been a lot of other things that have been hard and have changed me, but these four moments are at the top.
I have felt sick to my stomach due to emotional distress before... That and a shitty gall bladder.
She couldn't give us presents - too much money in a time when money is a potential issue. She felt really bad - they had discussed giving us each a camera, but she didn't think we'd want them anymore.
He didn't get it.
We got our cameras.
It made me feel ill. Receiving it from him made me hate him, made me cry, made me wish he were dead so I could move on.
It felt like pay-off, a buy-out, a "see, I'm a better parent" moment that I never thought I would have to endure.
And yet, maybe he just was following through with the former plan because he knew she couldn't.
Either way, I'm keeping it. I just might not be able to use it for a while.

Insanity

"lately, I've been wondering if we are all destined to go crazy at some point in our lives and be totally irrational and obsessive and nuts.
I don't want to go insane."
but then, I'm afraid that I already am and its inevitable and I can't stop it.

"why not just stop worrying about it and deal with it if it starts to happen?
otherwise you will become obsessive about whether you are becoming obsessive?"

"do you know when it starts to happen?
or is it one of those things that everyone else sees, but no one says anything
people tell me that I'm nuts, and that I'm crazy all the time
what if its true?
and I dont even know it?"

"then why does it matter?"
" because its not ok."

I just had this conversation. Really.

Beauty

A moment of beauty – listening to Apocalyptica – crying cello music as a v-shaped flock of birds fly over – split second 60 miles per hour – sheer beauty in that split second.
Yesterday, the world looked different. I saw beauty where I hadn't seen it before. The world moved by me in multitudes of sudden still photographs.

A friend told me that this would be a defining moment in my life.
I have grown up in the last month. I thought I was grown up, but I have grown up. I no longer forget the little details - stoking the fire, hanging up the phone - because there's no one there to pick up the pieces. I don't dread it though - it is like a new job - shiny, exciting, like putting on a new coat that is a little big, but will fit with time. Grocery shopping for someone else is strange. I really do like cooking, and even doing dishes isn't so bad.

"How are you doing" - I am one of those obnoxiously honest people who will tell you exactly how I am. Lately I just say,"I'm here." I don't know what else to say. God is good and I'm here to prove it.

writing

This girl I know, love, has a girlfriend who writes. I've been reading her writing and it has inspired me. All it takes to blog is to take a few minutes a day and write... just write.

I'm going to try. I want to do this.

Thought for the day: There is something surreal about watching someone who is depressed become intoxicated, whether it be on pills, alcohol, or a combination of the two. To watch them spiral down, begin repeating themselves, slurring their words, staring off into space... This other girl whom I love used to call it a death spiral. She listened to sad music and would just stare at the computer and rock and cry. This time it is different. This woman I love moves her hands, her feet, obsessively - like my grandpa when he is upset. she just stares... I can see the thoughts moving around and around in her mind like an evil carousel. Repeating the same stories, adding new details, leaving out others that have already been spoken. I can see her father in her, I can see her mother in her, I can see her son in her.

Isn't it strange how each of us are a composite of so many other people? I have my mom's mannerisms, look like my mother, have my father's hair and eyes, act like my daddy, stutter like my big brother... and so many other traits from so many other people. Who are we, really? Driving back from meeting my father, I realized that I now had the parameters of who I am. Before, it had seemed like I was open ended on two sides. Now, those parameters are in place. I am still what I am - an amoeba in a corral, but at least there are sides on the corral now.

Enough for today.

update

"I've decided to start blogging again" - six months ago.... haha.
Between my Halloween and Thanksgiving (app. 3 weeks) I met my birth father, turned 26, had the "we should stop seeing each other" conversation, discovered I have mono, left school early to make my mom eat and keep her from taking too many pills, and found out my little household will soon be three... or four (including me). Odd. Then today... I found out that I had inadvertently been part of a love triangle of sorts. Is this real life?

I don't know who reads this blog. I hope I'm not revealing secrets that are too shocking. This life just blows my mind sometimes.
On a brighter note - I love the cold -the stars are so clear, the sunsets are so cold and yet cozy at the same time. I love driving through the Palouse at sunset.

my first week in the Department of Justice

Well, I have decided to start blogging again – maybe… depends on how much time I have. In the last week, I have appeared before two judges in three hearings. One of which was Ninth Circuit Judge Tachima – I’ve appeared before him twice. Flubbed up today, but nothing serious. Also, he knows I’m a novice and was quite gracious. I have also written two indictments, prepared deposition questions, prepared questions for a probation officer for a probable cause hearing (that’s tomorrow – scary!), investigated investor fraud (met an FBI agent), presented fake evidence in a workshop (flubbed that too!), wrote a letter recommending a guy for a pardon, among other things.
I can’t decide if I want to be a lawyer or not. If I can get into a project, it’s fun. But, I’ve realized, when I hit roadblocks, they totally derail me and I hate my job and stare out the window for like two minutes, then remember what I was doing and get back into it. My brain…
I like my supervisors. George is a lot like Bob. Some of you know what that means, some don’t. Bob is my old boss. Awesome, super smart, down to earth, great sense of humor, very kind and thoughtful – the kind of man I would follow around like a lost puppy. That’s what George is like too! God is gracious to me and gives me good people to teach me and work with me. I’m quite thankful for that!
Well, this is the start. We’ll see how things go. I’ve walked to work once and ridden my bike twice – I much prefer riding my bike – not nearly as tiring, much faster. However, if the point is to get exercise, I should walk… hmmm.
I don’t have a scale. I’m hoping that I am losing weight, but my luck the end of the summer will come and I’ll find a scale and still weigh two bucks plus. Hmmm.
I live in a cute little house with two classmates in an old part of town (old as in cool houses, not as in shitty). We have a dog - well, Catherine (not that one) has a dog, named Gus. I’ve adopted him for the summer, he’s super cute. Well, that’s my story. Stay tuned.