a new post

I still don't know if anyone (other than Catherine) actually reads this blog. I should advertise - cause I really enjoy my random rants and raves..... hm, narcissistic?
anyway, It is a new year and as of 9 am the beginning of a new era. IT promises to either be the new heaven and the new earth or the slippery slope to hell depending on who I choose to listen to. Most likely it will be an era with a President who has hard decisions to make and makes the right choice about 50% of the timeand hopefully things don't get too much worse because I don't want to hear the whining.
People frequently ask, so, how was your Christmas? Then the debate - do I tell them that it was shitty, or do I say - great, how was yours? Unfortunately, more and more, honesty and bluntness wins out and my polite tactful self retreats further and further into the darkness. It kinda sucked. My brother was being a jackass(code word for unfortunate soul caught between two very strong personalities). My grandpa was in the hospital with pneumonia the whole time (and is still). I was exhausted the entire time. and it snowed every other day, which would normally make me happy, but this time, meant I couldn't leave without feeling guilty for making my mommy abandoned at home. Ironically, as soon as I got back to Moscow, I was cheerful and felt well-rested. Um, where did that come from? then I went home for Grandma Boatman's funeral. She wasn't my grandma, but she let me into her family as if I was. She had an infectious smile and a joy and peace about her that made everyone feel at home. Then she got sick and God took her home at 67. I bawled and bawled at the funeral - not before, not after. Just then. Thank goodness for Michelle having tissues.
Now I am depressed and unmotivated again. my mind is full of obligations and schedules and dates that have no basis in reality which means I will miss most of it. Hopefully, I wake up soon. This could be a really great semester :)

The Frozen fog is beautiful and the sky in Moscow is grey, but the sun has been nice. I think I'll keep going and try to get all my homework done so I don't dread going to class for the rest of the week.

Cheers!

thoughts

I have this file on my computer entitled thoughts - it's basically my journal from the last couple years. I think it's pushing 30 some odd pages. However in the last couple months, I have decided to join the narcissistic, lonely existence of blogging. Sorry if that's offensive.... I too think it's just a good way of communicating, but my cynical half of my personality thinks that it is just (personally) a cry for someone to acknowledge my existence - think Ani Difranco "Someone must care, for I am here and I am real" (or something like that because I'm too lazy to look up the exact words).
Anyway, these are my thoughts as I sit here, mentally exhausted, wanting to just bawl for the sake of crying my eyes out because I'm tired, and thinking about how much I hate law school. See, here's the thing. Law students bitch and moan about law school because a. it's our personality - we complain about everything, b. it's hard, really f-ing hard, c. We are tired of studying when half the time it feels pointless because this is just a rite of passage and half the time we feel like it's not doing us any good and we aren't learning anything useful anyway. Yet, we stay.... because we know that yes, it is a rite of passage and those two letters of the alphabet that we will soon get to put behind our names are worth it - because of the power it will give us, the money it will give us, the influence it will give us.
Law school exams are a big part of this angst. Our entire grade (for the most part) depends on it. And yet, we are told, don't worry, grades don't really matter. Um, excuse me? you are putting me through hell because it doesn't matter?
Our professors do their best to teach us a subject and for the most part, I think they really want us to learn it and understand it, but when it comes to exams.... they write them so that we can't do well on them. Well, some of my classmates can... I can't. Because at the end of the day, I have to choose.... sit in the library and read and outline and wrestle and study (and most likely consequently lose my mind) or do my best to live a balanced, healthy existence. hmmm, should that really be a choice I have to make? I should have outlined this post... I have a feeling it's not going to make sense.
I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say.... I think what we don't want to admit, what they don't want to tell us, is this. To work in the law, you have to be a certain kind of person - able to turn on and off this sense of apathy and your sense of caring. You have to be able to empathize, but able to turn it off so that the bastards of the world don't get you down. You have to be prepared to second guess what everyone says to you, because you will be lied to by your clients, because you are the one who can get them out of the jam they are in and they want so badly to be right and have their opponent be the dirty bastard who is screwing them over.... but there is two sides to every story. To be this person you have to be somewhat hardened. That, I think, is what law school is really about. To prepare us to walk into a brutal profession where the depravity of man slaps us in the face on a regular basis. The problem is, state schools don't believe in the depravity of man. They have to prepare you for the depravity of man without being able to admit that it exists or to be able to explain how it exists when people are "basically good." So, they make us feel completely f-d over on a regular basis.... that's how you get used to it.
Work your tail off, because that's what it takes to keep ahead, even if you work as hard as you can and still end up slipping backwards. Focus! learn to use whatver method you can to win, because that is what you will eat off of. Winning, so you can get paid.
Law school forces us to come to terms with ourselves. Our bad habits- all those ones I was ok with, not good enough anymore. Who will you choose to be?
I can't survive law school without being inexplicably stubborn and persistent. I can't survive law school without believing that at some point, everyone,my professors, my fellow students, are choosing their own self interest above my better good and will most likely deceive me, intentionally or unintentionally, at some point - because that is what it takes to survive in this world.
In my world, this is an example of the depravity of man and this is a result of the fall of man and this is why Christ came to earth (symbolized poorly by our Christmas celebrations) and took upon himself our depravity so that he would be punished and we could be saved. Wow. It gives me comfort... God is good, man is not, and that's ok, because God took care of it and takes care of us. Thanks. It's ok that I can't be focused and disciplined and as a result I am a less than mediocre student. God loves me and he will give me strength to keep trying and to keep learning and keep loving my fellow students as best as I can. Hmmmm. so, do what you can law school! It just affirms my belief in the depravity of man and the sovereignty of God. that can't be all bad.

This is what law school is teaching me. Love God, Love your neighbor, Do justice - Be persistent in this, no matter who F-s you over, no matter how poorly you feel that you are doing it - keep going! Someday, it will all make sense.

My chiropractor told me yesterday (while popping my aching back into some semblance of normalcy) that smart people don't graduate - stubborn people do (she said persistent, but I like stubborn better).

This is why I am going to my exam tomorrow instead of just sleeping. Because I have to keep going.

who I am - who we are

I just read this article: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/28216005/page/2/ - you should too!
It's about Obama defining himself as black. Honestly, this has irritated me a little. I understand what a big step this is for us as a nation to have a president that is not white, but I don't get why the black comomunity has grasped on to him so strongly. In my mind, how you define yourself has a lot to do not only with what is in your genes, but also with how you grew up - they both contribute. Obama was raised by a white single mother and his white grandparents in a wide variety of situations, but is that typical among the black community? can they really relate to him? I love that we have a bi-racial president who has half siblings spread across several continents and who was raised in a non-traditional family. I think he more accurately reflects who we are as a nation. Gone are the days of the traditional family and traditional upbringings (if they ever truly existed). And, I am glad we have a president who reflects that. But I just don't think it's fair, to anyone, much less the black community, to hold him up as the first black president. Lets say he's the first multiracial president. I think making a big issue of his race demeans the black community. Wouldn't it be better to have a black president who more accurately reflects the black community? ..... What do I know, I'm a white kid from the red half of a blue state. It does bring up interesting questions in my mind about identity and what role culture plays in that. I spent some time on the reservation recently. The leaders in that community are trying to strengthen the cultural identity of the youth - to give them a basis from which to build some pride in themselves and in their community. But.... so many of us have lost that. Is our cultural identity important anymore? What are we losing as we lose it? I don't know much of anything about being Irish, Scottish, Swedish, French, maybe German, Welsh, and whatever else is flowing through my veins... should I? much of my biological family have close connections to their Irish - Catholic roots. It seems it provides a basis for community, for identity, a reason to connect as people. ARe we losing our reasons to connect? That is important. That is how we see God - in our connections with others. God split us into nations at the tower of Babel so that we would fill the earth. Well, I think we've done pretty well in that aspect. Maybe it's time to re-unify. What does God say about cultural divisions? off the top of my head, it seems that he seeks to unify humanity through Christ. What does that mean for how we think about our heritage and culture? What do you think? about cultural identity and it's importance in who we are as individuals, as families, as a nation...

Sounds of the Night

I intended to write a ghost story about the strange bumps in the night that occur in the law school, but Thanksgiving break provided me with alternate inspiration.

My parents got a new dog about a year ago. She's a happy, sweet, stupid yellow Lab. Don't get me wrong, I love labs and think they are incredibly smart, typically, and protective, regardless of what you've heard. What I didn't know is that they snore.

My brother built a doghouse when he was a teenager, I must have only been 6 or 7. This is the mother of doghouses. It has a floor, it is huge, too heavy for one strong man to move on his own. It has a shingled roof - this thing is intense. And, it is up against the exterior wall of the house in the carport. That exterior wall happens to be one wall of my bedroom. I didn't move into that room until after my junior year of college, but now it's my bedroom.

At any rate. One night, I don't remember when… ( I haven't been here much in the last year - the whole, growing up thing, law school thing, separating from my parents thing being much in the way). I was laying in bed, so thankful to be resting and not have to worry about school. I was almost asleep and I hear this deep rumbling sound. I was instantly wide awake. What was that? Was it dangerous? Was I safe? (did I mention I'm a little scared of what's in the dark - not the dark itself, but whatever it's hiding) I tend to have weird nightmares when I'm home, so I thought maybe that was it, but no, I was wide awake. Not to mention that I can be unreasonably paranoid sometimes.

Ok, what could it be? An earthquake? Maybe someone driving slow up the county road - are they parked outside? Are they going to harass us? (it's happened before, could happen again) It sounded like something moving something heavy. Is it a bear? Raccoons? What is that sound!
It was very rhythmic, not constant…. This deep steady rumbling.

It sounded like snoring. But, even my dad doesn't snore that loud. Not to mention that his bedroom is at the other side of the house. So, still, what could it be.

Then it stopped.

Simultaneously, I heard the chink and clinking of Ellie's chain on the entrance to the doghouse. Is it possible?

My final determination is that my dad's dog takes after him and snores. My theory is that she snores somehow against the wall of her doghouse which transfers into the external wall of the house and therefore resonating in my bedroom.

I never could understand why women would get so annoyed with their husband's snoring. Now I understand. There is something about that sound that is grating and irritating at a deep, deep level.
It still sends thrills and chills through my heart, it's a very unnerving sound. Then I just get annoyed that the dog is sleeping so soundly when I'm awake. She's supposed to be awake, protecting us, right? No. She's snoring peacefully in her doghouse, while I lay in bed wondering what manner of assailants are organizing themselves against my house. Bother.

A year later, she still snores. Just as rythmically, just as loudly. And I lay in bed and listen.

random

When I was doing tax homework the other night, I saw that you get a tax credit for adopting a kid from a foreign country. So, I sent my cousin (who just got a little girl from China) a quick email (like at 2 am): hey, you get a tax credit!

Then my mom was like, did you know your cousin is filing paperwork to get another baby from China?

Huh.

more stuff

O, in-sink-er-at-or, who gives us life,
Thou who providest the heat and water
That sustaineth this existence of ours,

Thy usefulness extends to our breakfast
Such as cream of wheat and instant oatmeal,
Graciously giving us strength to last the day.

When the luncheon hour chimes its gleeful sound,
We rush to you with our top ramen,
cups o’noodles, and dehydrated soups,

Hunger-inflicted multitudes flocking thence,
And leaving your shiny sink in blissful hope.

As the sun lowers in the sky, the need
Arises for a caffeinated boost
Or a warm cup of some comforting drink.

Tea, herbal or black, instant coffee shots
Hot Chocolate, or even simple water,
Thou providest these kindly without fail.

Even the rare dessert, gelatinous,
Flavored with fruit, jiggly, wiggly, when chilled
Will find its advent with thy progeny.

The unbelievers stay with their hot pots,
The unknowing content themselves with dry foods,

But we, the true believers, the faithful
Will continue to come into thy presence
To fulfill our most basic needs

To pursue nutrition and satisfaction
Flowing forth from thy spout
“twist right for nearly boiling water”

Whether we pay or are paid to come
To this place of education of law
To feed our ever growing need for thought

We approach you with naught but adoration
For thy abundance of nearly boiling fluid.




Ten things that keep your sanity while in law school:
1. Good friends who feed you
2. Martini Thursday at the Garden
3. Flag Football or some other sort of organized activity
4. The library being open 24 hours, but don’t get a parking ticket!
5. Finding a good study group who you won’t mind crying in front of because you probably will.
6. Free food at varying club events
7. Coffee shops that stay open until midnight
8. Delivery subway, pizza, etc.
9. Free music from Ruckus!
10. The insinkerator!

Apathy

I am apathetic (no big surprise - that's not the revelation)
so, I'm sitting here, reading cases and wondering why I am apathetic - why I don't care about writing this damn paper. The deadline is looming and I still can't care enough to actually write the damn paper.
My theory is that I don't care, because I don't have any hope that even if I do write the paper, that I will get a decent grade on it.
My apathy is the result of hopelessness. Hopelessness that even if I do try, it won't do me any good.
So, the next question is, where do I find hope? Hope, that maybe, someday, I will be good at this shit. That is the question.